


Bad Choices and Even Worse Boyfriends

by theentityyousee



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe- Authors, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Make ur own inferences kids but stay safe :'), Mentions of Sex, Non-Graphic Violence, Nothing explicit, PBB 2017, Phandom Big Bang 2017, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Thanks for the comment pointing this out, There's no explicit sex in this, Those two previous tags are briefly mentioned, Underage Sex, YouTubers - Freeform, a really nice perfect ending, i swear phan is endgame and they have a happy ending, kinda Dan's ex-bf is a douche, last time i said that it wasnt really true but this time it is, okay the summary is weird and watever, so ive been writing this for ages and idk what's in it but i swear you should read it!, the non-con is guilt and drunk sex, the underage is mentioned twice in reference to the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 03:05:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 36,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12718359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theentityyousee/pseuds/theentityyousee
Summary: Dan Howell, most sought after English actor in the world, has had his relationship outed at a bar. He keeps faith that his boyfriend will come back eventually, though.One day, he comes home to find a package that's not addressed to him at his front door. It's a manuscript for a book, and against his better judgement, he reads it. That's when he meets author Phil Lester, strikes up a fantastic friendship and starts getting over his ruined relationship. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before his ex finds him again, and despite Phil's mistrust of this man, Dan can't help but want him.





	1. The Story

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the last couple thousand words at 3 in the morning on a sunday night. i know it's shit. If u stop reading at around the december interview stuff where everyone's happy and stuff (you'll know the part when you reach it) then you get a FULL STORY with none of the BULLSHIT i wrote at the end :))
> 
> OK SO i started writing this in February while at the airport because I was bored out of my mind... somehow the outline changed 1000 times and it became this... thing. I'm kind of proud of it though, and it's my first big bang, so do me a favor and leave a comment when you're done reading it!! It really means a lot to me. Also would like to thank my beta Lee @thebabiesarentokay for dealing with my REALLY inconsistent update times and my artist Eve @evermoriver for creating a fucking beautiful drawing for my fic!!
> 
> also: http://dn-phl.tumblr.com/post/167471538097/bad-boyfriends-and-even-worse-choices-artist that's the tumblr link if you wanna reblog it or look at the art closer!

Dan's mailbox is usually fairly devoid of mail from actual human beings. His family and friends send things sometimes, but who does that these days? He hasn't signed up with this new address for any junk, and his fanmail goes to his P.O. box. Not that he’s had any non-hatemail in the P.O. box for a while, but he can pretend.

Regardless, mail is rare.

So receiving a new letter, from a stranger, is a surprise. It's an envelope stapled onto a file; one of those giant orange envelopes used for carrying lots of paper. He’s a little bit worried that it’s a stalker. It’s not like this would be the first time.

It’s from _Philip Lester, 27 Oakley Rd, London_. Dan has never met a Philip Lester in his life (to date). Maybe a rogue fan had stalked him to his new address?

Against Dan's better judgement, he opens the envelope.

_To whomever it may concern,  
I have been communicating with Charlie Doan by email for about a month now, I hope this ends up in his hands. Do you recognize my name? You told me to please send in the manuscript with a letter, so I'm doing just that.  
There was a shortage of ink on the last pages, and I wanted to send it immediately so I didn't take a day to buy and refill more ink into my terrible printer. The first few pages may be a bit faded looking, but that shouldn't be an issue. If it is an issue, I can resend those other pages next week when my ink arrives._

_Respectfully,  
Phil Lester_

Underneath the letter, there is indeed a manila envelope thick with papers. Dan is very tempted to read what’s inside.

This problem is, it's not his to read. It's directed to " _SquidInk Publishing Co., 10 Yeoman's Row, Chelsea, London_ ,” which isn’t Dan's address. It’s down the road, a wedding dress shop. Well, it used to be a bridal dress shop. It had just became a publishing company. Clearly whoever wrote that letter was aware of that.

Also, clearly not a fan. The minor crisis in his head is averted for now, which is good enough for him. A busy day of filming, and he’s so tired.

He throws the rest of his junk onto his expensive (but very, very comfortable) couch and sits down on his (equally expensive but somehow even more luxurious) armchair. It's been a long day on set and he deserves to unwind.

Any sane man, even one who works the hours Dan does, would sleep. It's eleven at night. But Dan didn't get to where he is today by being sane or normal. He is an actor, and staying up late to read a manuscript for a book sent to the wrong address is what an actor does. It would be in the job description, if there was one.

So begins the search for a mug, his coffee machine, and a decent reading position. Then he reads for hours, until it's two in the morning and he's both fallen in love and had his heart broken several times. He only gets up at the sound of his alarm going off for the eighth time. He's going to be late.

Frantically finding his costume's inside bits while he's half asleep is hard. He plays a prince of some sort, and right now he’s wearing armour, so he doesn’t have to go fully in costume. He's extremely tempted to go back to the armchair and read some more, but he knows he has to work.

 _Crap! The shoot is all day today. I'll nap during lunch break or something,_ he thinks as he searches for socks and his wallet. _As long as I don't crash as soon as I sit in the train._

They're filming up in the countryside, which means that lately he has to take a proper train to work each day. Of course, the train always arrives on schedule, but it's scheduled to arrive and depart at times that are few and far in between. If he misses the first one, he’ll be waiting till two.

Dan barely manages to jump onboard. He tries to nap during the two two hour train ride, but to no avail.

He gives his makeup artist a heart attack as he bounces into the makeup trailer ten minutes late. He prepares to shut down his brain for a short mental recharge, knowing she'll yell at him for at least fifteen minutes before he's required to reply.

"Imagine if you'd been another ten minutes late! Just ten more! Then you'd miss the sunset and we'd have to reschedule the scene until tomorrow! This is insane! I don't have enough time for your bullshit, Daniel. What were you even doing that was so important for you to come ten minutes late? You don't even think a lot of time, do you? You don't appreciate what you can do in only a single minute, what you can miss in that time. I'm surprised, with you being an actor and all, you should understand the importance of timing! I-"

Dan tunes out after the first minute. His brain focusing solely on the book he had stayed up all night to read.

After his makeup is done, the makeup artist looks even more pissed. Probably because she had to finish in five minutes instead of fifteen, and because she didn't get to finish her rant.

"Now, run along. I should hope I'm the only one today who has to suffer the ripple effect of you being so late. Ripple effect! Don't you know that what you do affects others as we-"

"Right, I think I'll be going now!" Dan says cheerfully, and it's as close as he can get to sassing this woman's forty-seven year old ass. As he turns away, he is sure he sees literal steam coming out of her ears. It makes him grin.

The beautiful field the film is largely taking place on is still dark. There's ten minutes until the sun starts rising. As much as Dan hates to admit it, the makeup artist had been correct. Another ten minutes late, and he'd have missed the sunrise filming.

As it is, he has to throw on his suit of armor very quickly as they get the cameras rolling. The heroine in her pretty dress looks bored. He probably looks anxious and hurried.

It's a low budget movie, and he's hardly getting payed much either. He doesn't know why he chose to be in something like this, except for the fact that he wanted a break from big names. After his recent scandal, he had become really thankful he had gone with this job. It's such a small movie, it really helps with keeping him a little more out of the spotlight

Now he wants to spite all of the agents thrusting offers at him like desperate kindergarteners offering treats to a dog. Okay, bad analogy. He's just done with high-end productions for a while. There's too much pressure.

One minute they're calling you the best talent in thirty years, the next you're a piece of rotting meat and the whole of the acting world is starving vultures.

Here, the fact that he gets into his costume two minutes before they start is acceptable. They're too laid back, he thinks. To be fair, he does arrive half dressed in the awkward armor padding, but an entire suit of armor is harder to put on than these people seem to think.

Filming is fun. Kind of. He and the heroine, an undiscovered gem of an actress at least fourteen times better than him, make pleasant, scripted conversation under the rising sun. Then they pretend to passionately make out for another three minutes. Out of the corners of Dan's mostly shut eyes, he can see two camera people darting around to get more angles.

Afterwards, he drinks a cup of water and has a light conversation with the lead actress, Anna, about their plans after this is over. Neither of them have really brought up the topic before, since the end always seemed so far, but now it's only a week until they're wrapping up. Dan will go back to living in his house, alone, with only his boyfriend for compa- no. Wait. That’s been done and over for months. Why can’t his heart stick with the times?

"Hmm. I don't know. If this movie does well, I guess I'll have more options open to me. More people willing to look twice at my auditions, you know?" She says. Dan, who has seen her acting, really has no clue why no one has looked twice at her. She’s on the same level as a lot of the high-profile actresses he used to work with.

"Yeah. I have a long list of potential things right now, but I'm kind of done with mainstream stuff for now,” Dan tries to laugh it off, but it’s a bit awkward. Everyone here knows how badly he fucked up his career.

She laughs with him. It feels oddly nice to talk to someone who seems to genuinely enjoy being in his presence. It’s been too long since he had a friend. "You and your A-list actor lifestyle. I'm just trying to get into mainstream stuff right now. But, I mean, it must get hard."

"You cross a certain threshold when there's less acting and more publicity crap, and after crossing it, I've learned that I'd rather not,” he says. Personally, for Dan, the attention had been great at first. He never denied to himself that he was an attention whore, and soaked it up. As long as he was acting, auditioning, and realized how good he had it, he could stay sane.

Then the publicity stunts had started. First, it was dropping hints about his romantic relationships, relationships that didn’t actually exist. Then it was charity events, which was one thing he was okay with. But that’s when things got outrageous. His agent started putting him up for deals he would never consider. Shitty movies with big names in them and more nudity than he was comfortable with. He was in high demand, he figured. Sometimes he had to make sacrifices in order to have a successful career.

"Hmm." She’s probably thought about that a lot. Everyone thinks they can handle the media and constant attention well, but most people break after a certain point. For Dan, that was bound to be sooner rather than later, seeing as he had been screwing around in secret with one of the industry’s greatest talents.

He considers Anna for a minute. She’s a pretty girl with a quick-witted personality but is still a thoughtful person. The media’s favorite type of girl, just because everyone loves her. The only thing they like more is drama. "You'd be good at that, though."

"You really think?"

"I mean, you're outgoing, friendly, pretty, and generally a good candidate as a person. A good role model, I'd say. Plus have I ever mentioned how amazing you are at acting?"

She raises her eyebrow at him. Okay, maybe he laid on the flattery a bit thick there. It’s all true, but maybe not something he should actually say in one big blob like that. But she takes the compliments with a smile after the initial eyebrow-raise. "Aww, thank you! Can you imagine me in a magazine? Like, a list of my greatest hits. Though they'd probably all flop or something." She blushes lightly at that thought, and he briefly observes her face.

"Seriously! You'd be great!” It really does feel nice to have someone he can remotely consider a friend. “Hey, you want to go out for drinks after filming is done?"

"Completely done?” She asks. Dan nods in response. “Oh, um- I don't think I'm busy. I'll have to check my schedule. I'd love to, though."

"Great! We should probably get going. I think the buses are here now. Finally, we get to see the castle."

"They've kept it from us long enough, haven't they?"

"Definitely."

There are two buses pulled into the parking lot next to the trailer. One is for all the actors, set helpers, and half the camera crew, and the other for equipment and the other half of the camera crew, as well as the sound guys. It's going to be pretty cramped, but none of the actors mind that much. The director has been taunting them with the fact that one of their last seven days of filming are going to be in a castle for quite a while now.

The drive is long. Dan has enough time to take a nap against Anna, and a few moments after he falls asleep, he registers the motions of her laying her head on his head and possibly sleeping too.

They're all pretty tired. Filming long hours is tough on everyone.

Only one day is to be spent in the castle. They're supposed to get back at around three in the morning, which gives them approximately twelve hours at the castle. The director had wanted longer, but it was heavily booked out when he checked in.

Four hours of driving later, they're there. Dan wakes up feeling slightly better rested when the bus stops. There is light shining through the windows of the bus, now that it's a normal hour of day. It's rapidly approaching ten, Dan notices when he grabs his phone.

Everyone stretches out and enjoys a couple of minutes in the sun before they're called to attention.

"Okay, we're finally here! The bus parking is on this side, but the castle is on the opposite side of the hill. We're taking a short hike, only ten minutes or so. Trail's right here, so move along."

The hike up is exciting. When the castle comes into view, Dan's breath runs away without him. It's a large, stony castle in amazing condition, though they've been told it's quite old. The towers climb high enough for him to need to crane his neck, and there's a small creek running up front with a little bridge running over it.

In short, it's picturesque. Dan decides he wants his wedding here. He says that _every time_ he sees a big, beautiful event hall, but he always means it.

The filming goes by in a flurry of movement. Dan's a little bit dazed because as one of the protagonists of the movie, he's required in more than one place at a time. It's okay to him. He loves it. This is his passion after all.

By the time the sun sets, anything requiring sunlight or being outside is done. Dan is exhausted by eight, and eating really doesn't help. By eleven, when they finally pack up and leave, he's dead on his feet.

Departing the train back to London and getting on the correct line back to his house is all Dan can take. He passes out as soon as he touches his bed, still in his annoying costume and without even removing his socks. Sure, he’s used to high stress life like this. The movie he filmed before this one (a Big Deal™ kind of movie, not the little Indie short film he’s doing right now) was even more demanding.

It was called Dragonfly Breath, and despite the high stress, it was one of the most fun projects Dan had ever worked on. It didn’t exactly end well for him, hence the whole “screwing up his career” thing that he alluded to in his talk with Anna, but it was still one of the best experiences in his career.

Just because he's used to the workload, doesn't make it easier. He sleeps like a log at night, and his mornings are uncertain hazes of going back to work.

However this morning starts out more coherent. His first thought is of the manuscript. He needs to finish it. Dan’s not entirely sure why he’s so obsessed with this piece of writing, it’s not like he’s never read good books before, but he’s never felt like this about them. He drinks three cups of coffee before fully waking up and realizing the time. It's seven in the evening.

They're supposed to be on set by eight thirty tonight, so they can wrap everything up. Then voice overs for a few days, before everything is sent away to be edited. The company's tiny post-production crew is located in Ireland, and the director and tech crew will fly up there. The actors will finally be done.

Not to say it's been that long -it was only two months-but Dan is tired of commuting so far in these awful clothes, and of filming, and of life. He kind of just wants to curl into a ball, lay in bed, and sleep. Or maybe read. After all, the manuscript sitting in his room isn't going anywhere. Though it probably should be….

But now isn't the time to gain a sense of guilt. The writer will never never know a thing.

It's a windy day on the field and Dan is struggling not to fall over in his clunky armor. Not that it would be bad to fall, but getting back up would be hell.

The day goes by quicker when Dan remembers this is the last day he'll ever have to wear this annoying costume. By six in the morning tomorrow, they're free to wear normal clothes. Which for Dan means hiding in hoodies. He's just moved into his new house last month. Having the paparazzi after him this soon would just be slacking off on his part.

Although this month, they're out for blood. See, two weeks ago, Dan had made a mistake. Being gay has always been a touchy subject in the media, especially when so many of his fans after his latest show had been young girls, most of whom apparently wanted to marry him. Maybe he could've handled coming out more gracefully. Or gracefully at all, really.

But Dan didn't get graceful. He got caught making out with some guy at a bar five days before his birthday -okay enough on its own. Then you throw in the fact that this is in a bar filled with A-list celebrities and this guy is the husband of one of them. Even that you could pass off as drunkenness, right? For a couple days the pictures blew up and both of them were given shit for it, but it almost died down.

Then, out of "guilt," apparently, the husband had to go and tell everyone that he had been having an affair with Dan for six years by writing a book that exposed even more of Dan’s life that he hadn’t wanted to share with the public. Yes, somehow he had written a book in a week and a half. Well that signaled the end of Dan's career, didn't it? He was stuck without a job offer and so many interviews lined up that he just fired his agent and cancelled on everyone. So what if it started a shitstorm? It's not like it could get worse.

Well apparently it could, because rabid fans of the book and the husband loved to come knocking on his door and yelling at him. By that very Sunday, two days after the book, Dan had lined up a nice house in London to move into. It may have cost him £23,450,000 and most of his sanity, but he’s safe from the press. For now.

It’s always, “Oh Dan, you dared have a love affair with _Ricardo Sator_? Of all people? You filthy slut!” But fifty times ruder and cruder. It’s a little understandable. If Dan loves Ricardo with all his heart, of course Ricardo’s fans love him. They’re willing to look past the cheating on his wife thing. Obviously Dan is the real culprit here, the slut, the worthless piece of shit that somehow caught Ricardo’s attention.

And it never died down. It’s been two weeks since the book and his P.O. box has more hate in it than ever. Especially now that Ricardo had discussed how his marriage was ruined by Dan in a recent interview, and how he’s planning to get a divorce. One of Hollywood’s most beloved couples, getting a divorce because of Dan.

Sometimes he wants to crawl in a hole and die. Most other celebrities would have had this as their moment in the spotlight for a day or two, then the world would have moved on. But, according to recent polls, Dan waiss the most sought after English-speaking actor of 2012, and Ricardo is at number four. His wife, Crissy, is number two. So the world’s eyes are _always_ on them, it seems.

But today's the last day of filming. It's a Monday, which kind of sucks by simply being a Monday, but things go well. Anna confirms she can in fact go out tomorrow, and they decide a bar to meet at.

Things are, for the first time in two weeks, kind of looking up.

\--

Filming is done. The movie is done. It’s July now, and for the first summer since he was fifteen, Dan has absolutely no plans at all..

It’s nine A.M. on a Tuesday morning, and he’s got nothing to do. Which is okay. It gives him time to read today, and that’s therapeutic. It’s been two weeks since he received the manuscript in the first place, and he needs to send it back before he feels too guilty. Phil Lester can’t mind it too much.

Dan spends his Tuesday reading. By four, he’s done with the manuscript. He slips it back into its envelope and tries to think of a formal and proper note to write up, but he’s stuck. He probably hasn’t written anything formal since secondary school.

Then there’s that whole thing where he began being home-schooled at age 14 in order to make space for his career, but he tries to not think about that a lot. Lord knows it fucked him up, sticking him into parties filled with adults and alcohol and also many other illegal substances that he shouldn’t have even been touching at that age.

Also, one of those parties shortly after his fifteenth was where he first met Ricardo, not that he likes to think about that. It was Ricardo’s 29th birthday, actually. Dan’s pretty sure he remembers that (because this is not burned into his memory or anything, and this man’s face isn’t the only thing he sees when he shuts his eyes. Nope. That’s untrue.).

Point being, he gives up on writing something nice for when he send the package back to Phil. He wants to send it to Phil, explaining what happened, rather than sending it to the company directly and risk Phil getting in trouble for sending it late.

_Dear Phil Lester,_

_so. the postman must have sent this to my address instead of the publishing agency you were clearly trying to reach. also this is two weeks late because i’ve been_ really _busy and stuff. kinda a tough time. anyway I hope you don’t sue me but i may have opened the envelope? and read the book? yeah. sorry. Like, really sorry._

_From Dan._

It should be good enough. He can’t be expected to be a perfect writer, he’s an actor who didn’t even go to University. His handwriting is appalling at the very most, and the flow of the letter really leaves something to be desired, but it’s good enough.

That’s all he needs from his life right now. Being good enough. For his parents, who’ve practically disowned him. For his ex who hasn’t even texted him since all the drama when down. For his fans, who’ve been so, so let down by him. He owes a lot of people a lot of things, which weighs him down almost as much as the whole heartbreak thing.

Rather than allowing his thoughts to head back into a dangerous territory, he slips his letter into an envelope and puts that in the bigger envelope with the manuscript in it. In his most legible handwriting (not saying a lot) he writes Phil’s address and name. Then, before he somehow loses it, he shoves the whole package into his mail slot.

Dan runs back into his house and slams the door shut. His street may be very narrow and occupied by rich snobs who wouldn’t go out in 32 degree weather if it killed them, but after the stalking fiasco at his last house, he’s learned that it never hurts to be careful.

He tries to avoid leaving without a cap on. It’s summer anyway, so it’s mostly safe, but one time he had taken his cap off on the tube and someone called him a fag. He’s still not sure if they recognized him or if it was just a reaction to his terrible hair, but the caps protect him from both those things.

The top thing on his priority list right now is finding out who this writer guy is. Dan pulls up chrome on his laptop, and starts googling.

_Phil Lester_

The first thing Dan notices is that there are 55 pages of results. Either Phil is really well known, or there are a lot of Phil Lesters. The first few results are the only ones he cares about, anyway. There’s a twitter page, a youtube channel, a Wikipedia page… this man has a Wikipedia page? There’s more, of course. There’s Facebook, and Tumblr, gossip blogs and news articles and lawsuits (which, admittedly, does catch Dan’s attention for more than a few seconds), so much more, but these are the four Dan cares about.

He clicks the first one.

_**Philip Michael "Phil" Lester** (born 30 January 1987) is a British YouTuber, vlogger and radio personality from Rawtenstall, Lancashire. He is best known for his YouTube channel **AmazingPhil**. Lester will present a Sunday night entertainment show on BBC Radio 1 from January 2013 until August 2014, and from September 2014 to April 2016 he is scheduled to be the monthly host on the station's Internet Takeover slot._

_He is also the author of nine critically acclaimed novels, published between 2006 and 2012. His career as both a radio host and author are still growing._

Dan, don’t panic. The man whose book you illegally read is only a super famous author and radio host. Dan takes in a deep breath and clicks the links to both Phil’s channel and his website.

Phil has a lot of videos. The most recent on is “My Awkward Spa Experience,” but the videos go back another six years. Yeah. Maybe Dan can come back to this later, when he has time to watch them all.

Phil’s website is in vibrant shades of blue and green. There's a bit of an update section, stating that Phil is working on a new book that should be coming soon, and that due to a switch in publishing companies, to contact SquidInk rather than his old company, Old Oak Library.

He scrolls farther down the page. There's a quick overview of his books, complete with links with which to order them, and Dan clicks them all as soon as he's done reading the summaries. If the manuscript is anything to go by, this man's writing is pure art.

At least he'll have something to do this summer. It's been nearly two hours since he started his internet excursion on Phil Lester, and as much as he'd like to check out this guy's social media, he did promise drinks with Anna tonight.  
\--  
They meet at a nearby club. It’s mostly filled with locals and he’s pretty regular there. Which means no one recognizes him. Again, local around here is basically being a rich business owner, and even the teenagers don’t keep tabs on new gossip.

After the whole Ricardo break up thing, he’d made good friends with the barman. This man has seen him at some of his worst times- shitfaced in a bar full of hot guys.

He walks in and Anna’s already there. She’s dancing with a buff guy, who under any other circumstance, Dan would totally flirt with. He’s got a clean haircut and a quiff, and his muscular arms aren’t so muscular as to be grotesque. Dan likes abs as much as the next guy, but he’s seen far too many pictures of guys with grossly huge muscles that make their heads look tiny. It’s more of a turn-off than a turn-on at that point.

Dan makes his way through the crowd towards a booth in the back near where Anna is dancing. He knows she’s claimed it as hers because her jacket is on the back of one of the chairs. It’s got hundreds of little tiny cows on it, and it’s amongst the cutest things Dan has ever seen. He actually asked her where she got it a while back, and now he’s the proud owner of a bag with the same pattern.

He plops onto the seat next to hers and waits for her to notice him. When she finally does, she grins.

“Dan! You made it! Late as usual, obviously. Anyone else and I’d be worried you ditched me but… well, you’re late to everything.” She giggles at the end of her statement, though it’s not really giggle-worthy, and Dan realizes he’s seeing tipsy Anna.

He laughs along with her. “Yeah well. Gotta catch those precious seconds of sleep!” He awkwardly grins at her, hoping that in her state she won’t notice that he said something so stupid. Thankfully she doesn’t. Instead she lets out another smaller giggle and turns to her side, where buff guy has his arm around her waist. Dan hadn’t actually noticed that he’d come to the table with Anna.

“Dan, this is Stephan. He was a camera guy at the shooting so I hope you don’t mind that I brought him along.”

“Oh, no, of course not,” he says quickly. Stephan catches his eye and smirks a bit. Why? Can he tell how much Dan despises being around people?

“Cool!” Anna says. She doesn’t seem to sense Stephan’s sudden air of self-righteousness, or Dan’s immense discomfort in the presence of an unfairly hot stranger. Well, practically a stranger. She takes her seat and Stephan takes the one next to her.

Before they have a chance to sit in silence for too long, Anna gets up again. “I’m gonna get shots,” she says. Stephan smiles warmly at her and nods. Neither Dan nor Stephan ask what exactly she’s going to get for them, and Dan is hoping she doesn’t get him too drunk.

“Sooo… Dan Howell, eh? I’ve seen you in the news a lot lately. Only filmed you once or twice, really.” The smirk is back on his beautiful face.

“Oh, um. Well. Don’t trust anything the media says about me.” Dan’s really, really flustered. There’s a hot guy talking to him, what is he supposed to do?

“Well, mostly they call you a slut. I bet that’s true.”

What? Why would he say that? “Maybe I am. Depends who you ask.”

Stephan’s smirk is turning into more of a dirty grin. “Or I could find out for myself….” Is he… is he asking to hook up with Dan? A guy with looks on par to Ricardo is asking Dan to hook up?

“Are you propositioning me?”

“If you want me to be.” He has an amused look in his eye, probably at Dan’s wording. But that’s not Dan’s main concern right now. Does Dan want Stephan to be propositioning him? He hasn’t had sex in weeks, since all the Ricardo drama went down. He’s horny and lonely and this might help him get over it.

“Sure.”

“Then I am,” Stephan says with a shrug, and only a few seconds later Anna returns to the table, drinks in hand. Stepan spends the rest of the night flirting with Anna, and she with him, and Dan sits as a third wheel, wondering what the hell just happened.

\--

It’s nearly eleven at night now. Dan has somehow managed to have a good time socializing. He’s danced, he’s laughed, and he can honestly say he’s wasted.

When their group goes to leave the building, Anna turns to Stephan. “Hey, Steph. You coming with me?”

“Ah, no, sorry. Not tonight,” he says, and somehow Stephan sounds genuinely apologetic.

“Oh,” she says. “Okay then. Maybe some other time.” She clicks the buttons on her keys a couple times, before a car on the other side of the parking lot lights up. She walks towards it with minimal tripping on her own high heels. Dan’s not entirely sure she should be driving in her state. He himself will probably just walk home, since he walked to the bar.

But as he turns towards the direction of his house, an arm on his stops him. It’s Stephan.

“Hey, Dan, remember? You’re coming over to my place tonight.” Stephan leads them to the opposite side Anna had gone to.

Dan doesn’t actually remember agreeing to go home with Stephan. He’s really drunk though, and he figures that maybe he forgot about doing that. It’s been hours at the club. He follows Stephan to the best of his ability. His stumbling steps fall slightly out of line with Stephan’s even ones, but he keeps up. It’s mainly because Stephan’s hand is still on his arm, practically dragging him.

He sort of blacks out after that.  
\--  
Dan wakes up in more pain than he has in weeks. His head hurts, his legs hurt, his ass hurts. That coupled with the fact that his sheets are _not_ as brown as the ones here gives him a pretty clear indication of what he did last night.

He doesn’t remember any of it. There’s a beautiful man lying next to him, and that makes him kind of sad. He would have liked to remember last night if he spent it with this guy.

Quickly gathering his things, he heads home and hopes that he hasn’t accidentally ruined anything.

\--

The next two days go by really fast. Dan spends most of them sleeping with the more-than-occasional drink thrown in. Since the night with Anna and Stephan he’s rediscovered the joy of drunkenness. What he really wants is some weed, but he’s trying to walk away from his celebrity status right now, and his connections are too high up for him to risk it. He’s used to the good stuff, and anything else he gets now won’t cut it. It’s not exactly legal to do pot in London.

Plus Dan is wasting away his time until Phil’s books come in the mail.

It’s the third day after the night at the club and he’s only a little bit hungover, which he’s grateful for. It starts out alright. He wakes up at noon and stretches before instinctively reaching for his phone to check the time, only to discover that he must have left it in the lounge last night.

He sighs, realizing that this means he has to get up.

Out his window he notices a large box. Intrigued, he decides to go out there and check what it is. You know, after coffee.

One tea later (Dan realizes he needs to buy more coffee) he’s sitting on his heavenly couch, box on his lap, and a knife in one hand. There’s an envelope on the seat next to him. Inside the box are… his books! The books he ordered a couple days ago from Phil Lester.

As much as he’d like to read them, he also wants to read the letter. It’s also been addressed from Phil Lester, and he’s hoping it’s a nice reply to his message rather than a scathing rant about him touching things that don’t belong to him.

_Hey Dan!_

_I was planning to send you a scathing rant about you touching things that don’t belong to you. Then I realized, I would totally do the same thing. Also I’m sorry that you seem to be going through a tough time right now, that’s the worst._

_If you need anyone to talk to, call me! 07329-204740_

_From Phil_

Dan is, frankly, shocked. This man is very kind, obviously, but also certifiably insane, giving his number out to utter strangers. Still... Dan picks up his phone, still laying on the couch from last night, and opens up his messages. He puts in Phil’s number and and says hi.

 **Dan:**  
_hi  
i’m Dan, the mail guy?_

Almost immediately, he gets a reply.

 **07329-204740:**  
_Hey Dan!  
Yup I remember you ;P_

That’s right, he should probably save Phil as a contact. Alright.

 **Dan:**  
_ok cool. i just wanted to say thanks and also your writing is amazing!_

 **Phil:**  
_You’re not one of my crazy stalker fans are you?  
I’d regret giving you my number then_

 **Dan:**  
_no im not  
trust me i deal with enugh of those  
*enough ugh_

The terrible-first-impression side of Dan always shows up around people he genuinely wants to be friends. It’s amazing that with his very limited social skills and generally introverted personality he ever managed to get as famous as he did.

 **Phil:**  
_That doesn’t sound good  
Is that what your issue is?  
Sorry if that’s rude, I don’t want to be too prying_

 **Dan:**  
_no no that’s fine  
that’s part of the issue but  
i’d rather not talk about it  
i just think it’s nice that you’re willing to offer help at all  
you’d be surprised how few people do that_

 **Phil:**  
_Yeah I know, rude people are the worst  
Okay but if you ever want to talk about it I’m here_

 **Dan:**  
_i’ll keep that in mind_

He throws the phone back onto the couch. He hears it vibrate one more time, but he’s already got a stack of books in his hands by then and he isn’t going to put them down.

Settling into his couch even more, he cracks open the cover of the first book in his stack and lets himself grin, reveling in the joy of opening a new book. He’s had a lot of these moments. He has a lot of books. He’s rich, he can afford his collective habits.

Dan starts reading, and is instantly transported into a fantastically drab world. A world struck by strife and tragedy. He gets so caught up he doesn’t sleep until the sun is rising, and by the time he does, the book is done.

A new day, a new book. Despite sleeping at five in the morning and waking up at twelve past three, he feels like it’s morning. Mostly his sense of time is distorted by reading. It’s an addictive way to while away his time, to forget the pains in his life and instead feel the pain in someone else’s. This new book is more happy than the one he read yesterday as well as the manuscript. It’s got dragons and children and makes Dan smile.

God. This man’s writing makes him emotional. To think he has Phil’s number just sitting there in his phone. Dan shakes his head in disbelief that maybe something good happened to him this month, this month of disappointments, and goes back to reading.

\--

It’s been a long week. Not a bad week, just a long one. He’s spent seven straight days doing nothing but reading (which he totally should have spaced out, he has no commitments whatsoever and plenty of time) and it’s been fucking _amazing_.

He throws down the ninth book, the most recent book this man wrote, and slumps backwards into his bed. He picks up his phone and debates telling Phil that he just spent the last week reading all his books. How creepy would that be? Dan doesn’t really know Phil though, so he has no room to judge Dan. Or maybe not knowing him gives him extra room to judge. Dan’s not actually sure, but not being sure has never stopped him before.

There are several unread messages from Phil, sent after Dan had thrown this phone on the couch and ignored it for a week.

 **Phil:**  
_Okay then, good  
Seriously I mean it  
Dan?_

Dan doesn’t mean to smile, but he’s been high on Phil’s writing for a week and the guy seems so genuinely nice he can’t help it.

 **Dan:**  
_hi phil  
so i know i said i wasnt a stalker fan and i swear im not but after i found the manuscript you sent i may have ordered all your books and read them this past week_

It’s only after he hits send that he realizes how terribly stupid he sounds. And stalkery. He doesn’t get too much time to reflect though, because his phone pings only a second after he turns it off.

 **Phil:**  
_Why are you awake at three in the morning?  
Also thanks :p_

 **Dan:**  
_ur welcome  
and im awake bc i was reading so really youre the one to blame  
why are YOU awake huh?_

He feels his smile grow even larger. He’s barely sent him two texts and he can already tell he really likes this guy. It does help that he spent an hour last week stalking him, and he knows that Phil is a guy popular for being kind and charitable, but also has a great sense of humor. (Also he’s really hot but Dan doesn’t want to think about that.)

 **Phil:**  
_My phone buzzed. It was your fault  
Now that I’m up tell me more about you  
?????_

 **Dan:**  
_no_

 **Phil:**  
_why not_

 **Dan:**  
_it’s a really long story_

 **Phil:**  
_I wasn’t asking about the problem you refuse to tell me about.  
Just wanted to know a bit more about you_

 **Dan:**  
_well atm that problem is most of my life but um  
im 21, my favorite color is dark red and i love pokemon_

 **Phil:**  
_Oh cool  
Same, actually  
Well I mean about the pokemon thing  
Nothing else is the same_

 **Dan:**  
_i googled you so i kind of already know your age and stuff heh_

 **Phil:**  
_Stalker  
I’ll report you for this! _

**Dan:**  
_no_

 **Phil:**  
_Yes_

 **Dan:**  
_you don’t know any of the information you need to report me, for one_

 **Phil:**  
_I mean I guess  
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm_

It’s nice, really. To talk to someone he doesn’t even know so easily, in such a quick and simply satisfying way. It’s also a relief that for once he’s talking to someone who can’t judge him for the mistakes he’s made in his past, which have dictated his life for the past month.

 **Dan:**  
_hah_

 **Phil:**  
_Do I have to be nice to you because you know where I live?_

 **Dan:**  
_yes, you’re talking to an actual murderer_

Would a him committing a murder do anything more to ruin his life? It’s not like there haven’t been famous actors who committed murders before, and they still worked for years after the fact. Not that Dan would actually commit a murder, of course. It’s just a thought to entertain in his mind sometimes.

 **Phil:**  
_Dammit_

 **Dan:**  
_I’M COMING FOR YOU!!_

 **Phil:**  
_Are you really a murderer???  
I’m dying to know more about you bc you seem like a cool guy  
Plus it’s only fair considering how much you know about me_

 **Dan:**  
_to be fair i have’t watched your youtube videos yet_

 **Phil:**  
_But you know the channel exists so you can see it later  
Unfair_

 **Dan:**  
_what if i swear to not watch?_

 **Phil:**  
_How am I supposed to trust you?_

 **Dan:**  
_i’m a very trustworthy person_

 **Phil:**  
_Again, how am I supposed to know this?_

 **Dan:**  
_you could delete the channel?_

 **Phil:**  
_Yeahhh…. Not gonna happen_

 **Dan:**  
_fine then  
guess who’s going to stay up watching youtube?_

 **Phil:**  
_You?_

 **Dan:**  
_yes. you should sleep tho_

 **Phil:**  
_I can’t now, already made tea :\_

 **Dan:**  
_why the hell would you make tea????  
phil ffs it’s 3:45 in the morning_

 **Phil:**  
_You can’t judge me! You stayed up all night READING  
You’re going to spend Friday sleeping?_

 **Dan:**  
_as usual  
and i don’t need a regular sleep schedule anyway. Woke up at 10 last night_

 **Phil:**  
_Don’t you have a job??  
Srry if that was kinda rude_

 **Dan:**  
_it’s fine. i did have a job? it’s kind of a freelance thing_

Dan bites his lip. He probably isn’t going to have a job for a few months, at least. He fired his agent, for one thing, and he’s been acting non-stop since he was fourteen. He figures he deserves a media break, a break from the drama for just a few fucking months.

 **Phil:**  
_Oh that’s cool!  
Same, kinda_

 **Dan:**  
_i mean i guess_

 **Phil:**  
_What exactly do you do?_

 **Dan:**  
_oh um  
i’m an actor?_

 **Phil:**  
_You don’t sound very certain_

 **Dan:**  
_i’m not really working right now, so atm i’m like, jobless. but normally i’m an actor_

 **Phil:**  
_That’s cool!  
I guess you already know my job and stuff  
Since you’re a Stalker_

 **Dan:**  
_yeah im such a stalker. gonna go watch your vids now_

 **Phil:**  
_Yeah I’ll just be off doing normal people things_

 **Dan:**  
_You can’t do normal people things at 4am_

 **Phil:**  
_;)_

Dan’s cheeks are actually hurting, as he’s spent the last solid hour grinning. He hasn’t felt this light and fluttery since the year he met Ricardo… he’s not going to think about that now. He’s going to embrace his new friendship, and he’s going to be a stalker about it. Time to watch some youtube.

\--

He can’t help it. He falls deep and hard for this cute boy within the span of hours, having watched videos of him growing up and it’s amazing. He wonders if he ever meets Phil, what would he say? Would their conversations flow as easily in person as they do by text?

Hell, if he ever meets Phil, what’s Phil going to think of him? He had an affair with a married man, his own parents are ‘disappointed’ in him. He’s the scum on the bottoms of a lot of people’s shoes right now, how could he possibly expect Phil, a near stranger, to embrace him? Dan gets so stupidly hopeful sometimes, as if nice things could ever really happen to him.

Besides, Phil doesn’t know him nearly as well as Dan knows Phil. Dan is the one who searched for Phil’s work, and Phil just so happens to have a lot of his personality available on youtube and in books. His wonderful personality is just laying around for Dan’s easy viewing.

He loves Phil’s personality, as well as all of the personalities of the characters and worlds Phil has created. How can one single person be so creative and bright and funny?

In an alternate universe, one where Dan doesn’t make stupid career choices, he pictures him meeting Phil in a conventional way, and maybe even becoming normal friends. (And deep inside, Dan knows he wants something more. But in this perfect world, he’d be able to have it.)

Until that day comes, Dan will try to befriend the actual Phil with his present-universe self and hope for the best. Phil is the kind of person who makes him believe that something good can happen in his life.

By the time it’s eight, Dan decides he should actually consider getting up. His muscles are complaining from being inactive for so many hours on end. Dan makes himself another tea, because he still hasn’t bought coffee. A brief shower later, he and his damp, curly hair make their way to his armchair. He grabs his laptop from the coffee table and does something he’s done before, but still feels exciting every time.

He’s logged onto his secret tumblr, his non-official blog under a pseudonym where he is free to be who he wants. Although he would never admit it, he’s a big time meme-er. The occasional fandom also catches his eye, and his blog has become a true reflection of his interests over the past couple years.

Slowly, he types ‘ _Phil Lester_ ’ into the search bar, almost scared of the results or lack thereof. He presses enter and is greeted with thousands upon thousands of gifs, photos, love messages, and “thank you” messages. As he keeps scrolling, the place in Dan’s heart where his happy feelings for Phil reside keeps growing bigger and bigger.

Phil has done so many kind things. Gifs of him at panels for both his books and youtube show him as a kind, polite, and funny person. The fan stories paint him as an extremely helpful guy, always ready to lend a hand.

Well, it fools Dan for a minute. If Dan scrolled through his own tumblr tag a few months ago, he probably would have been portrayed in quite the same way. But he isn't a perfect human angel, and as much as he wants to believe Phil _is_ , he knows Phil can't really be this… fantastic.

Regardless, Dan is all for this new fandom. He quickly gets to work reblogging, shifting his focus from Phil to his books. He figures why the hell not, and digs even deeper.

By the end of two hours, he's learned that all nine books are confirmed to take place in the same universe, though not needed to be read in any order. And he learns that this fandom writes some damn good fanfiction.

Now, Dan hasn't got a clean track record with fanfiction. Personally, he encourages it, but the media’s generally negative light on the subject has kept him from even hinting at that in interviews.

If it’s a really, really trustworthy person, Dan will admit to indulging in a nice fic as often as he can, and if they're even more trustworthy, Dan will admit to writing it too. If the person in question reaches the highest possible level of trustworthiness, he'll even let them read it.

Though, Dan never told Ricardo about it.

Somehow it never felt right. With Ricardo, he always presents the most likable version of himself forward, like a more real version of the persona he has for the media. It becomes so… natural for Dan to be perfect around him. It really makes him feel loved and Dan could honestly believe he's perfect when he’s like that. Ricardo told him so, after all. What more affirmation could he possibly want?

Well, his fic-readers’ affirmation that his writing is great and his 8,000 followers on his secret account are also very ego-boosting things for him, just in a different way. It's a confirmation that Dan, the real and hidden Dan, is good, too, without the fame and wealth. Just a judge of his writing and creativity and his ability to be a good fangirl. Or, fanboy.

It's five in the evening by the time he pulls away from the computer screen and decides he's hungry. He moved his new books near him at some point, to use in his new fanfiction, and he trips on them as he gets up.

Rubbing his legs in pain, Dan shuffles his way across the room to his phone still on the sofa from his and Phil’s texting session. He orders himself dinner. It's a bit early, but he's so sleepy. He _has_ been up since ten last night, which after his food comes and he eats, will be well over twenty hours awake.

His phone has seen no messages since Phil's last winky face. He scrolls back up, reading, and wonders again how him and a stranger could have so easily fallen into this light-hearted banter. He barely thinks for a minute, though, as the doorbell rings.

The Chinese place he ordered from seems to have a very quick delivery service. It's been only ten minutes. Maybe he's close to the restaurant?

Grabbing his food and paying up is quick, although his eating is rushed. It's only six in the evening when he finishes, so he forces himself to stay awake for just one more hour.

He spends an hour pacing, not trusting his eyes to stay up while reading, then passes out as soon as he lays in bed.

\--

He wakes up at seven, then proceeds to spend three hours starting at his ceiling. After a while, he hears his phone buzzing on the nightstand, and picks it up only to find:

 **Phil:**  
_Good morning!!!!!  
You awake?  
Okay I guess not  
Though to be fair it's been two minutes_

Dan has to physically hold back an inhuman squeal from escaping his throat. After all his browsing yesterday, it's even more exciting that he has Phil’s number, he has Phil as a contact, just sitting there in his phone.

He taps out a small hello back, and the two spend the next half hour or so just chatting, like old friends over coffee in the morning, only everything Dan learns about Phil is new and exciting. Too soon, however, Phil says he has to go. He has plans, and Dan is unreasonably disappointed that his new friend is leaving. He has to remind himself for the thousandth time that Phil has only had three conversations with him, all via text. He doesn’t even know what Dan looks like, for god’s sake! It’s Dan’s own fault he knows so much about Phil.

With an exaggerated groan, Dan forces himself out of bed and into the shower. After he’s dressed, a bit too heavily for July, he pulls an old cap of his (denim and covered in rhinestones. Everyone hates it. He loves it.) low onto his forehead. He just needs to do a quick run for coffee and the like, but with the way every tabloid and gossip magazine tends to have big break-up stories plastered on the front for weeks, he’s trying to avoid showing his face.

He makes it to the corner store without running into anyone, thankfully. It’s noon on a Saturday, and the massive crowds on the streets are enough cover for him to navigate his way. He can’t help but hope that somehow he’ll run into Phil, but he knows that is very unlikely. London is a huge city, and according to Phil’s address, he’s not really that near to Dan anyway. Plus, Phil said he was busy.

But by the time Dan gets back home, an hour later, he can’t help but tentatively text Phil a little hello.

 **Dan:**  
_hiiiii_

Shockingly enough, the little grey bubble pops up seconds later.

 **Phil:**  
_Yes?_

 **Dan:**  
_sorry if i’m bothering you and you’re busy  
just bored_

 **Phil:**  
_Nah it’s cool  
I need a distraction anyway, just got out of a not very good business meeting_

 **Dan:**  
_oh no!_

 **Phil:**  
_Everything is fine for now but there’s some legal stuff with my old publishing company_

 **Dan:**  
_that sucks._

 **Phil:**  
_Yeah… what’s up with you?_

A subject change. Dan can respect that, especially because what Phil does with his business is none of Dan’s business.

 **Dan:**  
_i just got back from braving the great outdoor_

 **Phil:**  
_Oh yeah?_

 **Dan:**  
_coffee run_

 **Phil:**  
_Ah cool  
So you’re an actor, huh? What kind of stuff do you do?  
I tried looking up Dan actors but it’s a common name and all I got was Daniel Radcliffe and Howell_

 **Dan:**  
_just movies and stuff_

 **Phil:**  
_Dan_

 **Dan:**  
_it’s part of The Problem_

 **Phil:**  
_I am here, if you ever decide to talk to me about it, you know_

 **Dan:**  
_appreciate that_

Then the conversation drifts away from acting and books, to hobbies and Dan realizes that he is talking to his actual soulmate. They have so much in common, it’s incredible. In all twenty one years of his life, Dan has never had a proper best friend, and he’s realizing that Phil could be that for him.

\--

The week passes by in a blur. His talks to Phil have definitely become the most exciting parts of his days. Every time his phone buzzes with a message, his mouth turns up into an involuntary smile, and his replies are instant, which doesn’t feel desperate because Phil’s replies come just as quick.

He spends more time than before just scrolling through images of Phil. There are a lot of them, some old and some new, but all are adorable. Dan can’t get over the fact that this beautiful man on his screen is the same one he spends all his time texting, and the same one who wrote those absolute masterpieces that he loves.

At the same time, he can totally believe it. He sees the excitement and joy and wit in Phil’s expression in the photos just as clearly as he sees it in his books and their conversations. Phil himself has said that he's never been able to pull off the calm and careless look easily, barely cutting it in photoshoots. He likes to feel excited and friendly.

Dan is broody as fuck, that’s always been his aesthetic, his marketing strategy. It’s kind of weird to think about it, but he did actually spend years perfecting his patented smirks and eye rolls, and most of his laughs were staged.

It has made a him a little self conscious. To think- he knows exactly how to pull off a version of himself that everyone adores. He can be his arrogant yet polite persona. He can go back to his list of facial expressions he’s allowed to have and perfectly timed laughs. But now everyone knows who he is, more or less. In Ricardo’s book there are _so many_ personal moments. Maybe he wasn’t always 100% himself with Ricardo, he definitely played up his media persona around him a lot, but Ricardo is at the center of a lot of Dan’s defining moments.

Having all this revealed to the public has made Dan so scared. Millions of people know about him, from a perspective that was supposed to remain private, they know so much about him through someone he loved and _trusted_. That hurts, a lot. The loss of trust, the estrangement- it all really hurts.

Now that the public knows how half of Dan’s personality is fake, he’s not sure how he’ll deal with the media. Because, despite this feeling like a new chapter in his life to him, he is still the same person to the media, just with the words “slutty gay homewrecker” tacked on to the end of his pre-existing persona. He’s not prepared for the premiere tonight.

Ah right, the premiere. Sometimes Dan forgets that his life was only ruined last month and that despite forgoing all his social obligations, he does still have some legal ones.

Such as: the premiere tonight for his movie, called _Dragonfly Breath_ that finished filming a month ago, the very night he and Ricardo were outed. The party they were caught kissing at was the cast party for the end of filming. Which means that Ricardo was in the cast too, which means he’ll be at the premiere tonight.

Yeah, he and his broken heart are really not ready for tonight.

Dan’s heart hurts a lot at the thought. He’s… not going to think about Ricardo (the love of his life, honestly), he’s been pushing aside these thoughts since they broke up. Did they even break up? Ricardo hasn’t said a word to Dan since that night, and were they anything to break up anyway? A married man and his younger boyfriend?

Once again Dan shoves the intrusive and unwelcome thoughts away. His focus shifts to finding his suit jacket for the premiere and when his phone buzzes, even that thought goes down the drain, because it’s Phil.

 **Phil:**  
_Hey Dan, can’t talk much tonight_

 **Dan:**  
_why?_

 **Phil:**  
_Was kinda hoping you’d ask ^-^  
So one of my writing friends wrote a book and they made a movie and I’m her plus one at the premiere tonight!_

 **Dan:**  
_that’s so exciting!  
what book_

 **Phil:**  
_Dragonfly Breath  
I read it over while she was writing  
Cool book, recommend it_

 **Dan:**  
_i’ll check it out_

He doesn’t know how to say that not only has he read the book, but he’s in the movie too. He could always just tell Phil that, but….

 **Phil:**  
_Please do!  
I have to go now  
Bye!_

 **Dan:**  
_bye!  
have fun!_

He’d been pacing the house while texting Phil, as if he could find his jacket while talking to him. In his euphoric post-Phil state, he almost walks past the suit jacket slung over the back of his armchair.

He grabs his keys, phone, and wallet, shrugs on the jacket, and heads outside. His company-provided limo for the premiere got cancelled when he fired everyone and quit, so Dan makes sure to walk two blocks from his house before hailing a taxi. He has to walk a distance from his home, because a fangirl stalking his taxi is exactly how his previous address got discovered.

Rather than focusing on the bad thoughts, he turns his mind, as he often does these days, to Phil, who will be at the premiere. Dan will also be at the premiere, which means that they will be in the same room. At the same time. The thought makes Dan giddy.

He doesn’t even think of Ricardo. Suddenly he can’t wait to get to the premiere.

\--

Dan does not have a limo like everyone else who came in a car. Which in itself is a special privilege only given to stars, so him pulling up to red carpet in a dingy taxi whose fender is falling off is already attracting more attention than he’s comfortable with right now.

He pays the driver and steps out. For a moment he lets himself feel the way this would have made him feel last month. He would have felt famous, and loved, and so powerful. All the cameras focused on him and whichever model his agency had set him up with for the night.

This was before the world knew he was gay and taken. Before everyone realised that his “girlfriends” were just eye candy he was payed to be seen with, and before his affair with a married coworker became a story sat in the homes of millions. Back when he was just Daniel James Howell, ladies’ man and actor, premieres made him feel so good.

Now the camera flashes make him want to run back home. As he talks to reporters with his familiar yet uncomfortable snarky persona, he feels like they can all tell how fake it is. (But they stay professional, so he does too. He can tell everyone’s itching for his side on the affair story, seeing as all anyone knows is that his heart’s broken and he fired everyone who worked for him. Anything else they know is through Ricardo’s fucking books.)

Still, he grins and charms his way down the carpet and into the venue, a beautiful old-fashioned theatre. Not even three steps in, he literally walks into Ricardo’s wife, Chrissy, who pointedly refuses to look at him. Right behind her is her husband, and he does the same, despite Dan’s best effort to catch his eye. (He just wants some closure, dammit.) It’s almost like they’re strangers. Like Dan hadn’t spent hours in their kitchen chattering away with Chrissy over tea, or even more hours in their bed getting fucked by Ricardo. Well. Anyway.

Almost immediately after they pass, he sees Phil in the far corner, talking to a short, young looking blonde woman who is probably his writer friend. It’s kind of odd Dan doesn’t know what she looks like, despite acting in her book’s movie.

He sidles up to Phil. “Hey there, sweetheart” he purrs in his smoothest tone, because Phil _is_ cute and nothing can stop him. “And you must be Debbie Carter?”

“Why yes I am!” She seems pleased that he knows who she is. Debbie has an accent like in old American westerns. One of the few accents that Dan cannot pull off flawlessly, in fact.

He and Debbie make pleasant small talk about the movie, and Dan decides he likes her. She lives in the USA, and she’s only in London for the premiere. She was very excited by the movie deal, “I never dreamt that one of _my_ books’d get a movie! Unlike Phil here,” she slaps his chest and Phil acts hurt (he’s so cute),”who has had several offers but refuses every time!”

Phil’s cheeks, which had just about returned to normal after Dan called him cute, go red again. He’s smiling sheepishly, head tucked down. “Well, Debs, I told you before. I have seen too many books get ruined by movies. My books are alive in my head and I don’t need anything messing that up. You know how once you see a movie, suddenly that setting and those actors are all you can imagine while reading?”

He’s _so cute_ that Dan is literally going to melt into a mushy, heart-eyed pile on the floor. Phil had that whole rant prepared, and seeing Phil’s passion for things in person is something out of Dan’s dreams.

“Um, Phil, don’t say that in front of Debbie! I’m in the movie for her book, I don’t want her to hate me!”

Debbie gives him a warm smile. “Aw, thanks. Phil gets so worked up about this, it’s ridiculous.” She makes side-eyes at Phil, and Dan can see his adorable pout.

“I mean, the book is usually better than the movie, but we do try. It’s just harder to make a perfect movie, y’know? Things are… expensive. And time is short.”

“I understand,” she says, touching him lightly on the wrist. Phil just goes “hmph!” and crosses his arms. He is utterly adorable. Dan has been texting him for a week, and now that he can actually see the man he’s been talking to (and watching obsessively on youtube), he’s going to die. In a good way. Dan hasn’t had butterflies so strong since he was fifteen and first met Ricardo.

Suddenly, the room’s chatter and volume goes down dramatically, and everyone looks up. A man in a sharp red doorman’s uniform opens the door to the theatre, and people start queuing to get in. In a burst of bravery and inspiration, Dan grabs Phil’s hand and goes to the line, waving at Debbie to catch up. She just winks at Phil instead, and walks towards the other side of the theatre. She must be a speaker, which makes sense.

Still, Phil has his face turned down, but Dan can tell he’s blushing and grinning. What did that wink mean?

Dan yanks Phil closer to him until their sides are pressed together, and Phil clenches Dan’s hand even harder. They take their assigned seats in the front row, Dan telling Phil to take the seat reserved for his non-existent plus one. He had that seat reserved, because the original plan had been to send him with some or another girl, and by the time he quit his agency, the reservation had been made.

The producers, director, and some main cast members are standing at the front, along with Debbie. Dan was supposed to be there too, as the lead in the film, but again, that had been cancelled when he quit. Dan had been basking in the aftermath of his affair and firing everyone when they checked in with him about speaking, and he had declined.

They introduce the film, but Dan’s not paying attention. His hand is on Phil’s knee, and he’s slowly moving it upwards. By the time the film actually starts, he’s got his hand on Phil’s upper thigh, fingers curling along the inside. That’s when he stops himself. Phil has placed his far hand over Dan’s, and his head is resting on Dan’s shoulder. The whole position has them both curling towards each other, and it’s very cozy. Neither of them would dream of moving.

Dan wishes they were in private, on a couch rather than in scratchy theatre seats with an armrest between them. This would surely lead to cuddling in that situation, and he can imagine curling up around Phil, holding him close. He can’t help but want that. In the last week he’s become such close friends with Phil, he can’t help but want to be near him. (And he is trying to ignore the little crush bubbling up.) Even if Phil doesn’t know he had been texting Dan Howell, not just some rando named Dan.

But they’re not in private, or on a nice couch, or cuddling. He leans his head against Phil’s, letting out a disappointed little sigh at that thought, and watches himself on screen make out with some girl.

\--

The leaving process is wrought with interviews and photos, but it’s easier with with Phil’s hand in his, and their sides practically glued together. He catches people throwing them curious glances, but no one says anything not movie related, and Phil escapes without a single slur thrown his way all night. (Same can’t be said for Dan, but who cares about him.)

They meet up with Debbie, who is staying at Phil’s for the duration of her trip to the UK. He offers Dan a ride home, and Dan couldn’t say no if he tried, not that he would ever dream of saying no to Phil.

Debbie slips into the backseat without a word, still smiling/smirking cheekily. Dan and Phil spend the drive to his place joking about the film, about Dan’s acting, about everything. Occasionally Debbie throws in a comment too, but she seems content with keeping silent for the most part, partially dozing off.

Without a word, they both get out of the car and start walking. When they get to Dan’s front door, both Dan and Phil sleepy and a little tipsy from the champagne at the premiere, they stare at each other for a minute. Then Dan leans in quickly and gives Phil a peck on the cheek, which Phil returns on his mouth.

Phil’s lips are soft. Though their their contact is brief, five seconds at most, it sends shivers down Dan’s spine and leaves him wanting more. He wraps Phil in a hug, because he’ll miss seeing Phil more than Phil knows, and they stand like that for a while, before Dan gives Phil another short kiss and smiles at him.

Phil smiles back, lips so wide with joy, before he turns back to his car and Dan can hear him turning on the engine as he unlocks his front door. As soon as he gets inside and locks the door behind him, he leans against the wall and slinks down.

Dan’s heart is thrumming and his breath is coming faster than it should for two short kisses from a man he’s known for a week. He really, honestly, hasn’t felt this way ever before. He and Ricardo had skipped all the kissing bullshit and gone straight to sex. That relationship had been mostly sex, actually. No matter the feelings, that’s what it came back to.

This, with Phil, is something new that Dan’s never experienced. And at this point Phil may not know that his friend Dan that he texts constantly is Dan _Howell_ who he kissed, but it’s bound to come out at some point. For now, they can text.

Suddenly all he wants is to text Phil, but he forces himself to wait a full half hour, until he’s sure Phil is home. He knows Phil’s sleeping habits well enough to know he’s not asleep yet. While waiting he fixes himself a midnight and then overthinks his relationship with Phil. He compares it to his relationship with Ricardo, and they’re such opposites, that Dan doesn’t even know where to begin.

He met Ricardo at a big party for Ricardo’s 29th birthday, and Dan was drunk off his ass despite not legally being able to drink. For the longest time he’d had a celebrity crush on Ricardo Sator, he completely idolised him, so the flirting had been amazing, and Dan came home with Ricardo that night, all thoughts of his wife shoved aside.

After that they spent six years together. Dan spent ages at the Sator household, and both Ricardo and Chrissy became fast friends with him, and even with the sneaking around, he never felt guilty. Dan could vent to them, could talk to them about anything, and somewhere along the line that combined with the amazing sex led to Dan falling in love.

Dan matured into the man he is today because of Ricardo, and losing him is like losing his legs. He just doesn’t know what to do.

So, enter Phil. Who is making Dan feel some feelings he’s never really felt before. There’s a strong need to protect Phil from the world, even if Phil is four and a half years older than him. Dan’s never had a proper crush before, and he suspects that’s what his feelings for Phil are.

But while he wants Phil’s company and his soft kisses and the way he makes Dan’s breath come short, he doesn’t want Phil in the way he wants Ricardo. He isn’t seeking his approval. Ricardo is the one person in his life who makes Dan feel valid, and loved. It’s… hard to explain.

And he’s not so heartless as to believe that he’s even close to over Ricardo yet, and he wouldn’t want to ruin any potential friendship with Phil by pretending he wants to date him. He doesn’t want to date him. He just wants someone to hold.

He spends half an hour dwelling on these thoughts before he decides it’s an okay time to text Phil.

 **Dan:**  
_hi_

 **Phil:**  
_Dan!  
K so that was exciting!  
Im sure you’ve been to a premiere, u being an actor and all  
But this was so great!_

 **Dan:**  
_was the movie any good?  
glad u had fun!  
ye i have been to premieres_

 **Phil:**  
_Oddly good  
Book - > movie adaptations usually suck imo  
Good cast ig_

 **Dan:**  
_that’s good :)_

 **Phil:**  
_Oh and i swear i’m not lying but Dan Howell flirted with me?_

Dan holds in a giggle.

 **Dan:**  
_oh?_

 **Phil:**  
_He called me cute and kept touching my leg and holding my hand. And I dropped him home. And we kissed._

 **Dan:**  
_smooth Philly_

 **Phil:**  
_Shut up and let me be a twelve year old with a crush_

 **Dan:**  
_omg ur 12????????  
can’t believe you lied to me like that smh_

 **Phil:**  
_DAN ACTUALLY SHUT UP_

 **Dan:**  
_no_

 **Phil:**  
_I s2g_

 **Dan:**  
_did u even get his number_

 **Phil:**  
_THAT’S wahat i ofrgot_

 **Dan:**  
_are you ok?_

 **Phil:**  
_Well no!  
How tf do I get his number??_

 **Dan:**  
_ask?_

 **Phil:**  
_I’m blocking you  
How creepy would it be to drive to his house_

 **Dan:**  
_very  
don’t stress about it._

 **Phil:**  
_But how can I even talk to him now?_

 **Dan:**  
_i mean you talked to him for like an hour and kissed once or twice  
what if he’s not actually a good guy?_

So maybe Dan’s scoping for Phil’s opinions on him. It’s not wrong, is it? It’s just so exciting, he feels a bit like a spy. The good kind of spy. He just wants an objective opinion on what Phil actually thinks of Dan Howell, without him feeling pressured to be nice to his face.

 **Phil:**  
_He seems like a nice person  
Though I feel kinda sorry for him, y’know :/_

Phil… feels sorry for Dan? Why? What has Dan ever done in his life to earn him the pity of this wonderful, beautiful man? Was Phil just being nice because he felt sorry?

 **Dan:**  
_what?  
why?_

 **Phil:**  
_You’ve seen all the gossip about him lately, right?  
People calling him nasty things  
Has anyone even considered that he was fifteen when the whole “affair” thing started?  
Kids are dumb and make bad choices  
And get too emotionally attached to people_

 **Dan:**  
_o wow  
you’re really passionate about this  
dw you’ll figure smth out_

He never really expected this. Maybe, deep inside, he knew Phil wouldn’t hate him for how his life played out, but it’s so, so gratifying to see it said. He’s had next to no positive reactions like this with anyone else. The people who don’t hate him and shun him just completely avoid anything remotely close to that topic. Sometimes he sees the discomfort in people’s eyes when he talks to them, as if they’re disturbed by the thought of even being associated with him.

But Phil Lester, the second best man on the planet, thinks Dan is worthy of his approval. And that thought brings a flush to Dan’s cheeks and makes his heart skip a beat. He doesn’t really know what it is about Phil that makes him feel this way, or what _this way_ even is. But he loves the feeling and gets so ridiculously high on it, so he’s not in much of a position to argue.

Dan turns his phone off and throws it down, then after a second of cooling down and wondering why the hell he did that, he picks it back up again. He feels really unreasonably disappointed when he sees Phil hasn’t replied.

On tumblr, Dan scrolls through his notifications for a few minutes, laughing at the funny things people have added to his posts, nearly crying with happiness when he sees that one of his fics has reached two thousand notes, things like that. He’s on his secret account, obviously, the one on which he recently started stalking Phil and his work.

He sees a post about Phil himself, a few seconds after scrolling through his dash. It’s a photoset of him from tonight, at the premiere. Dan can’t believe the photos of that are already up, but maybe these are just really quality images taken by fans rather than the camera crew.

Immediately after seeing it and being shocked, another worry pops into his mind. _What if they saw me and Phil holding hands?_ Dan feels himself panicking. But… about what? They aren’t a thing, and both of them are out, whether by choice or not, as liking boys.

And that’s when his freedom truly hits him. He can hold hands with cute boys in public now. He can hold hands with Phil when he sees him again. He can do whatever the fuck he wants in public because there’s nothing to hide anymore. It’s this thought combined with Phil indirectly saying he’s not a terrible person that makes him want to cry of joy again.

He’s just so happy. Even with all the shit about him going around right now, and with his heart broken into tiny pieces smushed into the floor, he’s so happy.

\--

By the end of another week Dan has become Phil trash. Obviously there’s the fanfiction he now writes for Phil’s books (the universe all nine of them take place in is called Iddicea so that’s what the series is referred to as). But there’s also all the gifs of Phil, all the paragraphs he reads about him being an angel. Dan can’t forget the way Phil was kind to him at the premiere, warm and soft and letting Dan hold him.

Dan lets himself slink into a hell with no responsibilities aside from his fanfiction and food. He keeps texting Phil and somewhere along the line Phil calls Dan his best friend. (It makes Dan freak out because Phil had already been Dan’s closest friend, but the fact that Phil considers him his best friend is like a dream come true. He dances around the house for a few minutes.)

\--

It takes a couple months of constant talking for them to reach a point where Dan is sure that Phil won’t scream when he sees who Dan is in real life. It’s October, three months of them talking, when Dan sends a tentative text to Phil.

 **Dan:**  
_hey Phil?_

Then he spends a minute nervously tapping his knee. He hasn’t even risked saying anything yet, and he’s already jittery with anticipation for Phil’s reply.

 **Phil:**  
_yea?_

 **Dan:**  
_so i was thinking like,,,,  
would u ever want to meet??  
im trying to avoid beinf creepy but  
that’d be cool_

 **Phil:**  
_Yeah thst sounds like a great idea!!!!!!!  
I’m kind of shocked we didnt do this sooner bc we both know we live in London  
You, crazy stalker, actually know where i live_

 **Dan:**  
_it was an accident, for one_

 **Phil:**  
_Anyyywaaayyyyy we should totally meet up_

 **Dan:**  
_so where? when?_

 **Phil:**  
_well there’s this coffee shop  
Coffee Shack  
Heard of it?_

 **Dan:**  
_definitely.  
you free at noon this sunday?_

 **Phil:**  
_Yep!  
It’s a date!_

Dan has to force himself to not put his entire fist in his mouth, he’s so excited. Phil is going to know who he is and Dan doesn’t even care. He hopes Phil won’t care either. Why is it such a big deal, anyway? He’s just a normal guy who fell in love and got rejected and is currently in the process of moving on from that. Phil sort of knows most of that, and Phil likes him for himself. He’ll be fine.

He’ll be fine, he tells himself. Dan forces himself to take a few minutes and cool down, have sip of water, and relax. It’s twelve at night and he sees no point in staying up any longer if all his days are free and pointless anyway. Why stay up when you can enjoy the empty daytime? Besides, he should get his sleep schedule back on track. He should get his life back on track. This sudden positive energy is surprising to Dan, but he’ll accept it while he can.

Dan is going to be absolutely fine.

\--

Sometime during the night Dan’s positive hopes with Phil had turned to shit. He can’t imagine any scenario that doesn’t end with Phil chucking his boiling hot coffee down Dan’s designer shirt.

Dan kissed Phil. Sure, it was that one time, and things like that happen all the time, but Dan continued to lie to Phil. He didn’t just avoid the truth, he blatantly lied to Phil about his identity. Phil is going to throw coffee at him and Dan will deserve it. What kind of a scumbag leads someone on like that? Goes anonymously via text and then asks about himself like a self-obsessed piece of trash?

Dan, that’s who. This is not going to end well.

By noon Dan is seriously considering cancelling on Phil, but three things hold him back. One, he’d be an even bigger arsehole for cancelling on Phil. Two, if he skipped cancelling and just didn’t show up, he’d be even _more_ of an arsehole for standing Phil up. And third, Phil deserves to know how he’s been lied to. If Dan cancels, Phil might think it’s his fault and that guilt would tear Dan down.

He’s opting to have coffee thrown on him, over making Phil possibly feel guilty.

Today’s Thursday, which means he’s seeing Phil tomorrow. The nineteenth. It’s quickly become his favorite number and his least favorite. He spends all day thinking about how this day is going to go wrong, how Phil is going to yell at him, how much his already shattered heart will be crushed into dust.

It’s oddly comforting. Wallowing in his insecurity is a familiar path for him. He has roads he knows he can take, thoughts that no matter how hard he thinks about them, will always ring true. It’s comforting knowing the cold, hard truths about himself. No matter how much people build him up, he knows more about himself than anyone else. This is reality.

Dan orders pizza for dinner, a rare treat. Just because he stays home all day doesn’t mean he doesn’t eat good, he’s got to maintain his body. It’s the only thing about him that everyone agrees is worth something, and it’s confirmation that even though his life is a mess, he’s doing something right.

Every bite of the pizza is punctuated with disgust at himself, at Phil for trusting him, and at his life. He’s going to eat his feelings, slowly but surely, until all he can think about is how full he is.

Yet every thought in his mind goes away when Phil texts him. Not for the first time today, of course. Phil has been trying to contact him all day. But it’s only with his stomach stuffed that he has the courage to pick up the phone. He tries wiping his hands off on his pants but the pizza grease still gets on the phone screen a little bit.

Wrinkling his nose in disgust at the oily screen, he opens Phil’s texts.

 **Phil:**  
_Hey dan guess what!  
I went shopping this morning and I found the best shirt ever you’ll love it!  
Reply pls if you want to see  
I know ur not busy Dan  
Okay maybe you are_

 **Phil:**  
_It’s been like five hours Dan r u ok?  
** < image attached > **  
That’s the shirt btw_

 **Phil:**  
_Dan what’s wrong?  
Is it your problem?  
Do u have some issue with tomorrow?  
Daaaaaaan!_

 **Dan:**  
_sorry i’ve just been having a really shit day_

It’s probably not the most satisfactory reply, nothing nice like Phil probably wants, but it’s good enough to satiate Phil for the moment while Dan cleans up.

After the pizza is put away and the table is cleaned (phone screen wiped: no more grease), Dan gets back to Phil.

 **Phil:**  
_What happened?_

 **Dan:**  
_i aws just thinking about some life things, i guess  
:/_

 **Phil:**  
_Life things are never good/  
Wanna talk about it?_

 **Dan:**  
_well,,,,,,  
if i show up tomorrow and i’m not what you expect what would you do?_

 **Phil:**  
_Well, I don’t even know what to expect_

 **Dan:**  
_but say i already kind of know you  
from some place_

 **Phil:**  
_I have literally met one Dan in mmy whole life_

 **Dan:**  
_i mean  
i just don’t want you to get your hopes up_

 **Phil:**  
_I’ve been talking to you for months, Dan. I know who I’m expecting_

 **Dan:**  
_thanks :I  
guess im going to bed now  
Good night!_

 **Phil:**  
_Dan it’s barely eight  
I know you’re nervous but it’ll be fine!  
I really hope you’re okay_

Dan reads the messages as they pop up on his lock screen, but he makes no move to reply. He instead makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth, then heads straight to bed. His heart is pounding, knowing that tomorrow he’s meeting his best friend for the first (well, second) time ever. As much as he’s absolutely dreading it, he’s looking forward to it too.

\--

Dan wakes up at six in the morning. It makes him regret going to bed so early, because now he has six hours to kill before he can see Phil. He takes out his phone and scrolls around his various social medias for a while, for what feels like hours, but when he checks the time, only forty minutes have passed.

With a huge sigh, he forces himself out of bed and makes himself a bowl of cereal. His appetite hasn’t woken up with the rest of him, and he’s more or less forcing himself to eat something, but he thinks it’ll help energize him up. Despite being awake, he wants to lie around for hours.

By eight, Dan is scowling into his long-empty bowl, his mind churning with the thoughts that plagued him yesterday. What if meeting up ruins everything? Ruins one of the greatest friendships he’s had in his life?

He can’t take the suspense. He needs to know what’s going to happen. He needs to make the best possible impression on Phil. Maybe he should start getting ready.

It takes two entire hours for Dan to pick his clothes and straighten his hair to perfection, but when he’s done, he’s mostly satisfied. At least it takes his mind off things. When his hair is straightened within an inch of its life, he grabs his cap and heads out.

The current plan is to to walk around, because his rising nerves and jitters are getting unbearable and he needs to let off some steam. It’s just past eleven anyway, it’s not _too_ early to go to the coffee shop and wait.

He pulls his cap really low over his face, and tries to shrink himself as much as possible without ruining his outfit. The coffee shop is not too far from home, a ten minute walk, yet his back aches from hunching over by the time he arrives.

Coffee Shack is a very casual place. It’s moderately busy, not crowded or bustling. It’s got a really nice atmosphere, and is empty enough for Dan to feel comfortable. He walks quickly through the light chatter filling the room to an empty booth in the back.

For ten minutes, he sits around and fidgets with his phone. The waitress sends some concerned glances his way, but he shakes his head every time she does and eventually she leaves him alone. At half to twelve, someone else slides into the booth, right across from Dan.

“Hey,” says the man. “You waiting for someone?”

Without looking up, Dan nods his head a bit and lets out a tiny “yep.”

“Cool. Same. We can wait together then.” The stranger is kind of getting on Dan’s nerves. He just wants to be alone and wait for Phil, what kind of a weirdo goes into a random booth with a stranger for no reason?

“Yup,” Dan responds. He’s really not in the mood for any conversation until Phil shows up.

“So… when’s your friend getting here? I’m waiting until noon, but who knows? I could get stood up and then I’d be waiting forever, y’know?”

“Noon as well.”

Completely ignoring Dan’s obvious disinterest. “Ah. So we’re both here unnaturally early then, huh? Nervous? I’m Phil, by the way.”

Now this catches Dan’s interest. The chances of this being his Phil… “Phil Lester?”

“Yeah? Yeah, I am. Why?”

Dan breaks into a smile. He still hasn’t looked up, but now it’s because his cheeks are burning and he’s grinning so wide it’s ridiculous. “Hey, Phil. It’s Dan!”

He can practically hear Phil’s eyes go wide. It makes him smile even harder, and as he instinctively leans into his elbow to hide his face, he banges his head on the table. He hears Phil cracking up across from him, and Dan looks up with a sheepish grin.

Instantly Phil’s smile drops. “Dan Howell?”

“Oh, um. Yeah. That’s me. Listen, I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you, but it was this whole thing, you know? By the time I trusted you enough to not spill my secrets to the world, I-”

“Dan. Dan, I don’t care! It’s okay. I have some questions, like what about that whole premiere thing, but I don’t mind,” and as Phil says that, waves of relief wash over Dan. It’s all okay, Phil isn’t mad at him. Dan laughs, even though Phil hasn’t said anything funny. It’s so nice and calming to be in his presence. Especially considering their last experience together had been so overwhelmingly positive, it just makes Dan really happy.

When they finally wave the waitress over and Phil orders, Dan can’t stop staring at him. Of course, he was already staring, but now he can observe the way Phil’s hair falls across his eyes as he tilts his head, how his eyes look genuinely curious when they turn to Dan, and he asks what he wants.

In the end, they both order the same drink (Dan has found his soulmate) and Dan tries to clear the air a bit. Phil is understanding of everything Dan tells him. It’s hours and hours later when they decide to leave the coffee shop, and instead go for a walk.

Phil is still drinking coffee. Dan stopped after two drinks, but as he knows, Phil is a total coffee junkie. So Phil’s still drinking his fourth coffee as they walk around town, talking about inane things in the way that friends do. It’s so strange to think he knows so much about Phil through their texting and general online stalking. This man standing right beside him might be the one he flirted with for a night, might be the one he kissed, but he’s also his best friend. He trusts Phil.

Casual conversation between them is littered with more innuendos and flirting than any conversation Dan has had before. It’s fun to participate in casual banter like this, with someone he knows he can trust fully. It’s not a bond he’s had a lot recently, with being famous and his abundance of secrets. He’s always had a profile to maintain, even around his own family. Being with Phil is freeing and lightens Dan’s soul.

They’re window shopping at designer shops, making fun of the prices of the suits, even though Dan knows both of them can easily afford most of the things in the shops. They’re both famous people, in their own ways. So not only does Dan have someone he can relate to on a personal level, he has someone who has a fanbase as insane as his own. Phil is everything Dan has ever wanted in a friend. (Or possibly more than a friend, but Dan can’t think like that. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but he’s already decided it’s really not fair to Phil.)

Yet, although Dan knows lots of random things about Phil, he doesn’t know a lot of the basic things. Like, that Phil is sharing his rather large flat with his other best friend. “Though he and his girlfriend are getting pretty serious, so I’m thinking of moving out and leaving the place with them. She practically lives with us!” Although Dan cares about what Phil is saying, most of his attention is on the way Phil’s face lights up when he talk about his friends. Does his face light up the same way when he talks about Dan? Does he even talk about Dan?

“Oh that’s cool. D’you have any possible flats yet or is still a distant thing?” He says, instead of asking if Phil ever talks about him like he really wants to. The words come out overly polite, considering the way they’ve been teasing, but Phil doesn’t bat an eyelash at it.

“Still a future thing at this point. But, PJ says he’s proposing soon.”

“Aww, that’s nice. Do you like the girl?” Again, Dan is aware he sounds like a fucking idiot, but he can’t help it. His mind is still selfishly on his self-image. He’s oddly curious now about if Phil’s ever mentioned him in conversation. How would he even explain how he and Dan had started talking?

“She’s the sweetest thing. But I wanna get out of there before they become a soppy engaged couple.” Phil gags to illustrate his point, and Dan kind of gets it. He’s seen enough lovesick idiots to last him a lifetime. It’s cute in small quantities, sure. But he’s been the star of so many romantic comedies. He’s had to play that role so many times, then watch himself act like he’s in love. If he looks that gross when he’s in fake love, he can’t imagine he’s much better in real life. He doesn’t support the making-out-in-public lifestyle of so many young and moony couples.

“Totally understand. Get on that planning.”

“I’d better,” Phil sighs. “How about you?”

Dan shifts uncomfortably as they walk. “Well… with the paparazzi after the whole affair...” he can already feel tears in his eyes. The tone of the conversation suddenly takes a nosedive. “I moved a couple months back.”

“Oh,” Phil averts his eyes to stare at his hands. “I get that.”

Dan takes in a shaky breath, blinks away the tears. “Come on, arsehole. You wanna get something to eat?” It’s a really obvious subject change. Dan blames himself entirely for the suddenly tense atmosphere. If he hadn’t mentioned the affair, if he had only mentioned the moving part of the story. But it felt like a fair thing to say. Phil was giving his reasons for moving, so naturally Dan feel obligated to give his too. It’s hardly his fault that his reason for moving is such an absurd one. _I was stalked by a bunch of teenagers so I got the hell out_ did not feel like an appropriate thing to say, so he went the next best route.

Phil smiles at him and shakes his head. “’M not hungry”

“Of course you’re not. You’ve had four cups of coffee. It’s been five hours since lunch though.”

“Should I eat for the sake of health?” Phil asks, cocking an eyebrow. He’s being sarcastic, of course, but Dan will have none of it.

“Yes, you should.” And then he grabs Phil’s hand and drags him into the first restaurant he sees. He’s starving, he’s been walking for hours, laughing until his chest hurts, and hasn’t eaten since lunch with Phil at noon. He doesn’t understand how Phil can sustain himself on nothing but caffeine and sugar.

So their lunch date turns into a late dinner thing. Phil’s roommate keeps sending Phil winky faces, which he shows Dan. They eat early dinner at the restaurant, then go for a movie just because they can.

Their waiter at the restaurant is nice, but he keeps shooting Phil looks that make Dan uncomfortable, though Phil doesn’t seem to notice. But they get extremely nice service, even if the server keeps looking at Dan like he’s some kind of demon.

After, they leave and walk around until they come across a theater. It looks old, and it’s fairly empty. It’s the second time he and Phil are watching a movie together, which makes Dan giddy with excitement as he remembers the results of the first time.

This time, instead of it being Dan Howell and Phil watching a movie starring Dan, It’s Dan and Phil watching a cheesy action flick as best friends. And even though there’s no champagne, and no one famous presents the movie, it’s ten times better than the first time. The seats here have no armrests, and he’s holding Phil close as they watch the fakest looking monster that Dan has ever seen destroying even faker looking cities.

After the film they walk around some more. Dan shouldn’t be surprised by how much they have to talk about, seeing as they’ve spent every day of the past three months constantly talking, but it’s still a really novel experience. To have this much random, irrelevant stuff about himself be interesting to someone is really nice. It makes him feel appreciated. Maybe that’s not the right word. It makes him feel loved. (There’s nothing wrong with them loving each other. Platonically.)

Dan has never in his life had someone who cared this much about him. Phil is a beacon of sunshine right now, chattering away at a mile a minute about something. All that caffeine is still doing its job, at midnight.

The fact that it’s midnight is nearly as novel as having a best friend. He’s been talking to Phil for _twelve_ hours and could go on forever. He’s honestly, truly, never had a connection this deep with anyone before. They sit in swings at an abandoned playground for a while, before Phil’s phone lights up with a several texts. He turns to check it, then stifles a giggle and turns it towards Dan.

 **PJ:**  
_Sophie’s over now so if you don’t want to come back home we’re cool  
How’s ur boyfriend  
It’s like midnight what are you two up to ;)  
BOI did he stab you or something?  
Reply pls im getting worried  
Or are you two just reallyyy ‘busy’ ;) ;)_

Dan giggles too. He makes an exaggerated wink at Phil and says “Hey Phil, wanna get busy with me?” in the most seductive tone he can manage. He pretends to not notice the blush that spreads on Phil’s cheeks, even as he’s laughing.

“Dan, shut up!” He turns back down to his phone. “I think I must have lost service or something. There’s no way he sent all those right now.”

Right as Phil reaches to type his reply, Dan snatches the phone from him. “Let’s call him instead!” He waits until Phil nods his head eagerly, then punches the call button without a moment’s hesitation. It rings, once, twice, before someone answers.

“PHIL! Oh my god I was actually getting worried!”

Dan’s about to open his mouth to say something but Phil snatches his phone back and puts it on speaker. “I didn’t get any texts until just now, totally forgot to tell you where I am.”

“Distracted, huh?” It sounds like an innocent question, but there’s an implication that Phil had been distracted by Dan. Which Phil had been, of course, but not the way PJ is implying.

“Not like _that_ ,” says Phil. His cheeks are red. “But yes. Also, Dan’s right here. He can hear you”

“That’s good. So, Dan, what have you done with Phil?” The tone is again _extremely_ suggestive. PJ’s tone is the verbal equivalent of the winking emoji.

“I have him tied up in my basement,” Dan replies in a perfect deadpan. “Fifty pounds and he’s yours.”

“No thanks,” says PJ. “You can keep him.”

From beside him on the swing, Phil makes an inhuman noise.

“Anyway, me and Sophie are playing Mario Kart. If you two want to come over or something, you can join us. Or you can go over to Dan’s place and have fun there instead, your choice.”

Phil makes the strangled sound again. Then turns to face Dan. His expression is a mix of exasperated and seeking permission. Permission to invite Dan over?

“Sure, we’d love to come!” Dan says after a second.

“I’m sure you would,” and again, Dan can hear the wink in PJ’s voice. But he ignores it and hangs up.

“Cool,” he tells Phil. “Hey, I guess we’re going to your place now.”

“I hate PJ so much. You know we’re going to have to deal with him for even longer now?”

“Yup! He seems like a cool guy, can’t wait.”

Phil rolls his eyes, but gets off his swing and reaches out to help Dan up too. They hold hands for the entirety of the walk to Phil’s flat, arms swinging between them.

\--

They had somehow chosen a park close to Phil’s flat, and it’s a brief walk. He lives on the third floor of a posh building, not that Dan and his giant house are ones to judge him for that. Phil doesn’t fumble the key in his lock at all, even though today he spent five minutes ranting about how he can never open his door on the first try. Dan feels a strange burst of happiness when he sees the pride on Phil’s face when he turns to him a moments after opening the door.

They’re just about to walk in when a man jumps into the doorframe, a woman following not far behind at a normal pace.

“Cool! You guys are here!” PJ says, with a smile that stretches ear to ear. His body seems to be radiating happiness.

The girl speaks up from behind him. “Don’t mind him. He had too much sugar and he’s gone crazy.”

Phil grabs Dan’s hand again, and the four of them make their way into the room. It’s a very large flat, as expected from the outside, but it’s not unwelcoming like Dan’s massive and lonely house. It’s cozy, personal, and Dan can see Phil’s personality scattered across the rooms as they make their through the kitchen to the lounge.

Everyone plops onto the couch in unison, then two pairs of curious eyes (and Phil’s loving ones) fall upon him. “Hey Dan,” says Sophie. “We’ve heard a lot about you. Phil literally never shuts up.” Phil reaches over PJ and slaps her playfully, but the damage is done and she has a wicked smirk on her face.

“Well, if that’s the case, need I even introduce myself?” He nudges Phil with his elbow.

Phil looks up off his lap, and seems at a loss for what to say. “Um. I haven't said that much about you, Dan. Sophie's just-”

“Totally right,” PJ butts in. “She's right. The guy could talk about you all day. He does, actually.”

“That's very flattering,” says Dan.

Sophie's tilting her head at him now, studying him intensely. “You look… familiar.” It's not a question. Just an observation.

“Like Daniel Howell?”

She snaps her finger and then points to him. “Yeah! That's who. Sorry, bet you hear that a lot.”

“I do, it sucks.” He says. He doesn't bother telling her that he is actually Daniel Howell, because he knows Phil's going to do it for him.

Sure enough, Phil knocks him hard with his elbow, and goes, “Dan, shut up! Oh my god. He _is_ Dan Howell.”

Sophie and PJ look shocked.

“I know, I look a bit different without the makeup and cameras and fancy lighting, huh? It's fine.”

There's probably so many terrible thoughts flying around their heads. Almost all the pictures that Ricardo has of him, naked, sexed out, covered in sweat and other things are published. He's a mess. They probably know that he kissed Phil at the premiere, they probably think that he's using Phil for sex or something, that he's-

“Oh! So then you've already kissed and everything, huh? Definitely boyfriends,” PJ says to Dan and Phil, but he's looking at his girlfriend.

“No, we're not,” Phil groans. “We're not, I told you.”

“Yeah, but that was before you knew that the Dan you were texting was the same Dan you kissed,” PJ points out.

“Are we going to argue about this? I came to play Mario Kart, not talk about mine and Dan’s relationship.”

“Alright, alright,” says PJ. Phil seems genuinely annoyed. They all finally shift their focus to the large tv, which is already open to the game.

Controllers are passed out and players chosen. PJ has decided that rather than split up Dan and Phil’s relatively new friendship, they're going to play teams.

“Prepare to go down!” Phil and Dan say simultaneously, then giggle into each other's shoulders.

“I'm the king of Mario Kart,” Dan says.

They start playing, and Dan is quickly proven correct. Every single race ends with Dan in first, Phil in second, Sophie in third, and a grumbling PJ in fourth.

Yet they play for hours, because someone decides that first place has to take a huge sip of wine every time they win in order to switch up the rankings. By the end of it, Dan is tipsy bordering on drunk, fully leaning against Phil (who is leaning on Dan).

Inebriated Dan and Phil decide that rather than Dan staying the night at Phil's flat, they go back to Dan's. Both of them. And Sophie and PJ don't bother telling them their idea is really unnecessary.

So Dan and Phil head out, call a Lyft at four in the morning, and wait. Their inhibitions are put on the back burner for awhile, and Dan is unashamedly drinking in every inch of Phil's figure. He can feel Phil's eyes on him too.

When they're sitting in the car, quietly joking around, it's reminiscent of another night with Phil, his only other night with Phil. They're tipsy in a car driving to Dan's house after a fun time together. The last time this happened, Phil kissed Dan at his doorway.

When the car pulls in front of Dan’s neighbor's house, they get out. Dan thanks the driver as quickly as he can. The car speeds away and leaves Dan and Phil in front of Dan's door yet again. Just like that night, they stare at each other for a few seconds, just holding hands.

Then, though Dan's not sure who leaned in first, they're kissing.

This time is similar to last time, but it feels more familiar and warm and comfortable. Because this time, they both know exactly who they're kissing. It lasts more than just a few seconds too, unlike last time. Dan opens his mouth and starts a proper kiss.

Phil is amazing at this. Dan feels like he's floating, drifting through the air as he pulls Phil even closer. Phil pushes him gently against his door so they're pressed even closer together, but they break apart when Dan feels the door handle jabbing him.

They're both breathing heavy. Phil's leaning on the door on his elbows, Dan pinned against it, with Dan’s arms wrapped tightly around him. Dan has to let go of Phil and wiggle himself out of Phil's embrace, which is suddenly the only place he ever wants to be.

He unlocks the door, gestures Phil inside, and heads straight to his bedroom. He's walking with confidence, Phil draped over his side in the possible best way. Instead of saying what he knows he should say, _I'm not over my ex, I'm still heartbroken, I don't want to date you, this isn't fair to either of us_ , he says the opposite.

“Phil. Come here, please. I need you.” And of course Phil responds by pushing him back onto the bed. Their lips move together in time with their hips, and Dan tries to remember that it's Phil holding him down, not Ricardo. All he can taste is Ricardo's lips, but he knows it's Phil. And the fact that it's Phil shouldn't be so… disappointing.

So he kisses Phil even harder to forget who he is, why he’s there, and tries to get lost in the feelings.

\--

Dan wakes up in his bed, more comfortably warm than he's been in a while, sprawled completely over Phil. His eyes go wide when he remembers who he is, realizes why he’s naked. His first instinct is to run away and forget this ever happened. But he can’t do that here, not in his own house with his best friend lying in his bed.

Standing up, he stares at Phil for a second or two before turning around and picking some underwear out of a drawer and making his way to the door.

He hates past-Dan. Past-Dan made really bad choices, drank too much (even though he barely drank), and got too obsessed with his crush. Which wouldn’t generally be a problem, but he doesn’t want to do anything with Phil. Not when his heart is still so broken, and he’s still so hung up Ricardo. Well, he’s not even hung up on him. After most of the scandal blows over, Ricardo is going to come back. It’s a sure thing, because he loves Ricardo as much as Ricardo loves him.

“Hey, Dan. Good morning,” he hears as soon as he reaches the door frame.

“Huh?” Dan spins back around to face his bed, where Phil is sitting up. He doesn’t miss the way Phil’s eyes rake up and down his body twice, like he sees something he likes. Well, Dan has spent years getting his body the way it is, he’s in no way shy about it. Phil’s attention makes him lean against the doorframe, bite his lip, give Phl something to look at. Then he remembers all the reasons he shouldn’t be putting on a show like this for Phil. “Oh yeah, good morning. What d’you want for breakfast?”

Phil frowns. “It’s ten in the morning, and it’s Saturday. Come back to bed.” Dan really wants to listen to Phil. He wants to go back to bed, and cuddle with him, and maybe even kiss him. But he also wants to end this before he plays with Phil’s feelings, and before he messes something up. He still has a boyfriend, after all.

“Nah, mate. Food.”

Phil rolls his eyes at Dan but starts moving to get out of bed. He’s going extremely slowly and muttering complaints under his breath, looking at Dan like he’s expecting him to help Phil out of bed, but Dan just settles further into the doorframe and quirks an eyebrow.

Pouting, Phil finishes getting up. Dan stands up properly again, and walks to his dresser again, grabbing another pair of boxers and tossing them at Phil. Miraculously he catches them, and quickly pulls them on. Then they both head out.

\--

The obvious choice here is cereal, the only choice, really. They sit in utter silence as they eat out of Dan’s massive stock of cereal. He’s not much of a bulk shopper, but he’s learned the hard way that having a ton of cereal on hand is never a bad thing.

“So… Dan. What does last night make us? Phil asks. It’s a very blunt question, and Dan can see the nervousness in Phil’s shaking hand, but also the hope in his eyes.

“It makes us friends, unless you don’t want to be anymore?” Dan knows that’s not what Phil means. But what else can he say? (He can say _Well, if you want, you can be my boyfriend?_ )

Phil’s face falls, which sparks a pang in Dan’s chest that makes him want to cry. “Well, you see. Um, I wanted to maybe be something… more? But friends is fine.”

“Phil, I really can’t date someone right now. Not… not now. Can we just-”

“Eat? Forget about it? Yeah, I’m sorry I brought that up.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dan says with a fake smile, lips stretching uncomfortably wide over his teeth. Phil doesn’t even look up at him.

Still without looking at Dan, a few seconds later, Phil blurts out, “Hey, is the reason why you can’t go out with me something to do with the problem you refuse to tell me about?”

Dan furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “You mean the thing that had you worried when we started talking?”

“Yeah. You never told me what that was.”

“That was the whole press thing. The book, my boyfriend ignoring me. All that stuff,” comes pouring out of Dan’s mouth. He’s being so honest, so open. He’s not usually like this after a night out. Usually he’d curl into a ball and retreat into his shell until he feels like a nobody again.

“Your boyfriend? Ricardo Sator?” Phil is mad about something, Dan can tell. What it is, he has no idea. He himself tries to keep his face totally expressionless as he nods his head, trying to not look too obvious as he blinks the tears out of his eyes. It’s been what, four months since they’ve spoken? And Dan is still teary at every mention of his lover.

“I get it then. You’re still with him. I’m not mad, Dan. Completely not mad that you flirted with me and kissed me and led me on for ages, or that you had sex with me last night even though you have a boyfriend.” Phil’s face is stony. He drops his spoon loudly, and stands up, leaving Dan behind to process what he’s said. He’s halfway to the bedroom before Dan has the sense to stand up.

Then he’s darting behind Phil, watching Phil put on his clothes and grab his things. “It’s not like that, I can do whatever I want. Ricardo can’t stop me, and I like you. It’s not- not like you think-”

“You can’t do whatever you want, Dan. Did you even stop to think for two seconds that maybe the reason I went along with all the flirting and the sex was because I like you too? So maybe if you planned to say no all along, you could have spared me that hope?” Phil’s breathing is coming in heaves from the ranting, he seems both pissed to hell and on the verge of tears. It takes everything in Dan not to hug Phil and tell him everything will be alright, that he’ll help Phil feel better. But he can’t do that. They’ve only been together in person for a day and already Dan has royally screwed everything up.

How could he have trusted himself to keep Phil happily as a friend? There’s a reason he made friends with exclusively celebrities. Because everyone can pretend to be perfect and then no one gets hurt.

Without a word, he moves to the side as Phil stomps out of his room. He doesn’t move an inch, though he flinches when the front door slams shut. Not because of the sound, although that’s a part of it. He flinches because it means that Phil’s so mad at him that he literally walked out of Dan’s life. And didn’t even say goodbye. It’s the first time they haven’t said goodbye.

\--

Dan’s not proud of how he spends his weekend. He mopes. He lays around and mopes all day long on Saturday after Phil leaves, and he wakes up on Sunday with a frown on his face to repeat the same routine. He refuses to text Phil, and Phil hasn’t texted him. He avoids going on tumblr because his personal one is filled with gifs of Phil, and all his official social medias are still overrun with hatred that will die down as soon as the media shitstorm does, in a month or so. They can stretch out a high-profile affair story for up to a year, though. Dan has seen it done. Especially with all the fuel in that _fucking book_.

On the bright side, his moping leads him to a conclusion that should have been totally obvious all along: totally ignore Phil. Rather than apologizing like he planned to do, he does absolutely nothing. If Phil hates him as much as he seems to, a measly apology isn’t going to accomplish much.

He successfully mopes away an entire weekend, but come Monday, his phone dings with a text.

 **Phil:**  
_I'm.  
Coming over  
S ok ry  
*Sorry_

Dan turns the phone off as soon as he's done reading, without a reply. He’s not entirely sure what Phil is sorry for. For coming over? For the yelling on Saturday? He unlocks the front door and then sits in his armchair, completely prepared to wait however long for Phil.

Three minutes later, Phil bursts into the room with tears in his eyes, running down his face, and soaking his pokemon t-shirt. In any other scenario he'd be beautiful, and frankly, he's beautiful now too, but Dan is far more concerned with the sobbing that's shaking Phil's entire frame. He’s laid across Dan’s couch, across from him, crying, and Dan stares at him for a few minutes while Phil tries to calm down.

“Phil?”

“I’m so sorry Dan, I didn’t know anywhere else to go,” Phil says, his voice quivering. Tears are no longer flooding out of his eyes, though he’s still all wet. His eyes are red, as is most of his face. He looks truly pitiful, in a way that makes Dan want to hold him close and whisper reassurances into his ear.

“Don’t be sorry, Phil,” he murmurs after another minute. Phil looks up at him with shining eyes, and he feels a bit louder. “What’s wrong?”

“PJ and I were driving. With Sophie, because she has a car. And- and we crashed?” He looks like he’s fighting another wave of tears. “Really hard.”

“Oh my god!” Dan can’t really process the idea of Phil driving a car, he’s always said he’s really bad at it. But if it’s Sophie’s car, then she was probably the one driving. “Is everyone okay?”

“Um, no. Sophie broke her arm, some little stuff. Everyone else is in the hospital right now and I just couldn’t- couldn’t stay there.” A new wave of tears start spilling from his eyes. “But PJ, oh god. He’s unconscious and no one’s sure he’s going to make it.” At this, Phil starts silently crying again.

Dan can feel tears welling up in his own eyes. He’d only known PJ for a few hours, and however recent the night may be, it’s been overshadowed by other things. But he’s a really nice guy, and Phil’s best friend (so was Dan, but Dan doubts he still is) and he cares for his wellbeing by extension. Besides, anyone seriously injured in a car crash is sad, regardless of who they are.

“Do you need anything? I mean, that's- that sucks. I really hope he does wake up, you know. But I'm a bit concerned for you too.” He says with as much emotion as he can manage, because he's an emotional mess right now. But Phil stops sniffling for a moment and sits up, so maybe his words had some impact.

“Well… no. Not right now. But, um, thanks.” Phil shoots him a teary smile, though his eyes look tired.

Dan goes to reach for Phil’s hand, but Phil snatches away just before their hands brush each other. He pushes himself off the couch with a tight lipped grin thrown towards Dan, and fast-walks as quick as he can down the hallway. He doesn’t really know where he’s headed to, in the general direction of the bedrooms to sleep. It’s a Monday night, of course Phil wants to rest.

Dan sighs loudly and sinks back into his sofa cushions. He’s not really sure what’s happened. There’s the obvious, of course. Phil came to his house because he was sad over his friend, and wanted someplace to go. But why he chose Dan is beyond him. In ten minutes he had crashed Dan’s moping party, snubbed Dan off, and decided to spend the night.

He’s not looking forward to the morning at all. What is he supposed to say to Phil?

He sighs again, even louder and more tired this time. It’s only ten, too early for his usual bedtime, but he can’t stay awake with the knowledge that Phil is sleeping in his house. It’s eating away at him, because the only thing he’s thought about for two days is how much Phil hates him, and this is messing with his head.

Catching his eyes drifting shut slowly, Dan forces himself to wake up again. He doesn’t want to fall asleep in his sofa crease, because he has learned the hard way that no matter how nice it is now, his back will hurt like a bitch in the morning.

So he heads to his bedroom and despite the time, rips off his shirt, and plops into the bed and falls asleep instantly, not even noticing the presence of Phil right next to him in his bed.

\--

The sunlight streaking through the window is the first thing Dan notices. Upon opening his eyes, he is promptly blinded and forced to close them again. Another minute or two pass, during which his main thoughts are mostly centered around how much he hates the sun.

He opens his eyes a second time, glaring and blinking frustratedly. Only when he is fully awake does he stop and wonder who the hell opened his curtains at night. Not to mention, the sun is streaking directly in. He normally wakes up at noon, but it currently seems more like mid-morning.

Sitting up straight, he does a quick once-over of his room. Everything is the same, mostly. The other side of his bed is completely mussed up, like someone else was sleeping there. There’s an indent on the pillow and it’s slightly warm. Did he hook up with someone last night? What happened?

But then he sees his door open, and Phil is walking in. “Hey Dan, you up ye- yeah, you are. Okay.”

And Dan’s night comes rushing back. All he has the presence of mind to say is “Uh, cool!” Then he shakes his head at his own words. Phil is probably not in the best mood right now, the least Dan can do is not make him confused.

Phil furrows his brow. “Dan?”

“Uhm, sorry? Listen, I’m sure you’re feeling a bit… not good? So I’ll make you some breakfast?”

“Already ate. Cereal. I remembered where you kept it from Saturday, you know, huh….”

“Oh, of course,” Dan says, stretching. He only notices when he catches Phil staring that he’s shirtless, but he manages to pull his covers back up almost as quick as Phil averts his eyes. He coughs into his palm. “So um. Any plans for today?”

Phil is looking downwards at his (mismatched) socked feet. As much as Dan would like to think that it’s because Phil is trying to resist staring at the body that Dan spent oh-so-long perfecting, it’s more likely that it makes Phil uncomfortable now to be in the same room as Dan. Dan ruined it for him.

Dan is still in awe of Phil, the man he texts, being in his presence. But Phil? Phil doesn’t like him anymore. Every single recent memory he’s had with Dan has been negative. Dan had managed to screw up the perfect day, the perfect friendship, because he’s in love with someone else. Someone who loves Dan back, sure. It’s not a wasted love. But it’s not what Phil wants with Dan. Now Dan is a dejected puddle on the sidewalk, and Phil’s only here because he’s nearby and he feels down.

Phil looks up again. “No plans. Yesterday we were driving home from celebrating PJ finally proposing. And I was going to invite you, you know, because I’m PJ’s best friend but I lo- wanted you there with me to celebrate the happy times. But we skidded, you know how rainy it’s been. I was thinking I could go looking for new flats today, since I can’t stay at my old place anymore.”

Dan is a little bit shocked at just how many words come pouring out of Phil’s mouth considering how sparse he’s been with words around Dan lately. He’s also shocked that they had crashed on the day of PJ’s engagement. What a terrible time to crash. Any day is bad, of course, but a special happy day makes it even worse. That’s like dying on your birthday, but less morbid.

And… had Phil been about to say he loved Dan? Because he doesn’t even know where to begin thinking about that. The idea that Phil loves him is almost as happy as it is sad, because of course he’s glad to be loved, but it makes it even sadder what he’d said to Phil. (He loves Phil too, of course. Just not in that way.)

What an absolute mess. No matter what he says, he can’t dig himself out of this hole. His best friend is sad because _his_ best friend got in an accident, and he came to Dan for comfort. How does one comfort? How is Dan, king of masking his feelings and personality even in front of his boyfriend of six years, supposed to comfort Phil?

“Why can’t you stay?” He says instead of his internal monologue, because frankly, he has absolutely 0% of his life figured out. Is his name even really Daniel James Howell anymore?

“Sophie and PJ and all his family and everyone is there and I just feel so sad being in a place where he was so alive. I mean, he’s still alive. Of course he’ll be fine, I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine, but it still hurts, you know? I don’t know how Sophie is dealing with it.”

 _Maybe she’s not_ , Dan thinks. _You don’t have to deal with your feelings. Just live life and fake your way through happiness until you’re happy again_.

Dan has bullshitted his feelings for a long way through his adult life, and if you exclude the recent mess, he’s been doing really well. It’s part of his charm, in his opinion. It makes him a level-headed person, a good friend and lover, because he can keep anything a secret. No one gets upset with him this way, and his own emotions never come back to sabotage him.

He’s pushed them deep, deep down, and of course he’s read about (and seen all too well, in his own celebrity friends living their high stress lives) how bottling things up can hurt you in the end. But he thinks the problem is that they weren’t pushing the feelings deep enough. You shouldn’t feel them below the surface of your skin. You shouldn’t feel them at all.

Sometimes, at some points, you’ll be so used to the feeling you forget you’re repressing anything at all. It’s nice, blissful even, if a bit empty. A small price to pay for a smooth life and the ability to make objective decisions, in Dan’s opinion

“I’m sure she has her methods, you two will be fine. And, uh, I think finding a flat alone will be tough, Phil.” He doesn’t mean it to be an invitation, realizes only after he says it that he’s basically asking Phil to invite him along, but Phil doesn’t take the chance.

“I can do it. I think I’ve imposed on your hospitality long enough, thanks. I’ll get goi-”

“No, Phil. C’mon, I’m sorry, okay? Let me come with you.”

Phil is already turning away from Dan and his bed, and Dan has to leap out of bed at a speed he didn’t know he could reach in order to catch up to him. He’s still got his covers wrapped around his shoulders, held tightly at his waist, but he catches up to Phil.

He turns around when Dan taps his arm. Phil’s glare is firm and Dan feels himself shrinking back, prepared for an attack.

“No. I’m fine, let me go.”

It somehow hurts more than being slapped. Phil is telling him _no_.

Dan is being way to overdramatic. Phil came over for one night to mourn over a car crash that hospitalized his best friend. Because he felt that Dan’s house is an acceptable place to go, where no one can judge him, because no matter how Dan’s hurt him and broken his heart, he’s never judged him.

He does not have the right to tag along to Phil’s house hunting trip right now, nor ever, frankly. This isn’t an omen that Phil is forgiving him, this is Phil needing a place to spend the night, and Dan trying to be a good friend by providing that for him.

But knowing in his heart that he doesn't deserve to tag along after Phil doesn't stop him from throwing on a shirt and a pair of jeans as fast as he can and chasing Phil down the street. His hair is a curly mess, barely covered by the ugly cap he loves so much, and he's panting by the time he catches up to Phil.

“I told you not to come,” says Phil, his voice cold. It's the opposite of his soft rant this morning, or his broken voice last night. Phil's voice sends shivers down Dan's spine, and though he can feel Phil's steely glare on his face, Dan's staring at his feet. They're walking in time with Phil's feet, but his feet drag more.

“Too bad. I bought this house only three months ago, I'll be your guide. Or something,” he mumbles to the pavement.

“Dan, I-”

“Can this be the first step in my apology?”

Phil stops and turns to face Dan, grabbing him and stopping him by his elbow. “What do you think you're apologizing for, huh? Tell me what you're sorry about, because I don't think you regret anything here.”

Dan… hasn’t thought about this. He knows that he led Phil on for far too long, and went further with him than he ever intended to. And he does regret it, because now his best friend is mad at him. But how will he apologize for the whole thing? How can he, without sounding like an even bigger dick?

“I'm sorry I took things too far between us,” he says, which sounds simple enough. But Phil shakes his head at him, disappointment clear on his face.

“That's the problem, Dan. You didn't take anything too far, the problem is that you didn't want any of it the way I wanted _all_ of it, and you didn't tell me until afterwards.”

Phil lets go of his arm then, and turns away again. Dan's still processing what Phil said, because it's too true. It's not like either Dan or Phil didn't like the flirting, it's that Dan is too scared and too in love with Ricardo to mean any of it as much as they'd like.

He has to jog to catch up to Phil.

“Wait! Phil, I'm sorry I led you on, and that I didn't clarify how I felt to you. I wasn't thinking,” he chokes the words out, because although he means them and is trying his hardest, some words will _always_ catch in his throat.

Phil grabs Dan's hand and they walk along together. “I wouldn't have minded the flirting, that's okay. But the… other stuff… yeah. I'm making a big deal out of nothing, let's be friends?” He says with a small smile.

“Yep, friends,” agrees Dan. “So now that we're friends again, will you listen to me?”

“About what?”

“There won't be a single decent thing on the market at this time of year, because I have extremely high standards for you,” Dan says. His mind is rushing ahead of him, tripping up this tongue when he says his next words. “I should know, look at my massively empty house.”

He totally could have bought a small flat. He doesn't need the huge house, but property like this is a very good investment and it's a damn gorgeous house.

Phil smirks and cocks an eyebrow. “Is there a point you’re trying to make?”

Is there a point Dan’s trying to make? Not really, what could Phil possibly think he meant? “Uh, no?”

Phil doesn’t say anything for a while after that, they just walk through the bustling city in a mostly comfortable silence. They don’t actually have a plan, neither of them at any point pull out a phone to see where there’s an open house. Besides, it’s Tuesday, so nothing’s open anyway.

After a while of pointless drifting through residential areas, Dan suggests coffee, so they find themselves in a coffee shop that’s clearly starting to gather a lunchtime rush. Ignoring the crowd, they find a secluded booth in the back of the shop. It’s a restaurant as well as a coffee shop, which Dan knows because he’s been in this place before. The front is a quick sandwich and coffee place but if you want a proper meal, a waitress will come and serve you.

They maintain their silence as they wait. It’s in no way uncomfortable, they’re both perusing separate menus across from each other while they wait.

In the end they choose the same dish and the same drink, which makes Dan giggle internally because despite it all, he still has a schoolgirl style crush on this man.

“I don’t think we’re going to find anything today,” says Phil, halfway through their silent meal. Dan has a mouth full of food, which he hastily follows down.

“Neither do I, tbh.”

“I guess I’ll be going home after this. You could come with me this weekend?”

“Or...” Dan mutters, an idea coming to him. “You could crash with me for a few days, y’know, for while you’re looking.”

Phil barely thinks for a second before he agrees to the offer. The tension between them from their fight is mostly dissolved in the comfortable silence, but Phil's eagerness in staying over is a signal to Dan that he's being forgiven. That Phil doesn't hate him anymore. That's more that enough for Dan, because Phil's his best friend and those two days of silence hurt almost as much as Ricardo's radio silence does every day.

God, the silence hurts. Dan doubts that there has been a single night he hasn't cried himself to sleep on since the outing, aside from that one night he went to the premiere with Phil.

They finish their lunch and head to Phil's (old) flat to gather some clothes for a few days. It's been a weekend without any contact, but they find the casual chatter and catching up to be enough to fill the gaping silence between them. Dan doesn't even feel obligated to fill the silence. It's comfortable as far as silences go, even though it feels like it shouldn't be there at all.

He's just glad he has Phil back. He hopes Phil is too, though he's probably not. Phil might just be glad he got some semblance of an apology.

That's not something to dwell on. Dan shoves another shirt (red button down with hearts, he can imagine how beautiful it would look on Phil) into the suitcase and throws a glance at Phil beside him. He's sitting in his bed, an assortment of socks on his lap, seemingly in deep consideration. Dan knows about Phil's fixation with socks, and he turns his head back into the suitcase before Phil can catch him staring. Before Phil can ask what's making him grin so hard.

\--

Somehow a few days turns into a few weeks. It's been a month now since that day when Phil decided to move in, and at some point they have to give up the pretense of Phil only staying for a bit. Everything he owns is now at Dan's house (preparation for when he finally moves, of course). They haven't gone to a potential listing in two weeks. It's very obvious that neither Dan nor Phil plan on Phil moving out anytime soon.

Dan feels incredibly lucky. He and Phil are back into their intense friendship, and though the innuendos carry more weight than they should, and Dan makes a huge effort to hide his hook-ups, he likes to think they're perfectly back on track.

It’s early enough in November that not a single shop is covered in Christmas decorations. Yet. Probably within the next week or so, he’ll see more tinsel on one street than he remember there being last year in the whole of London. Christmas decor has a way of sneaking up on you.

He’s walking home, grocery bags in hand, heavy with food for two. It’s still so weird to think that Phil lives with him now. But it fits. They fit together perfectly, and Dan is so in love. Not that he's ever going to say that, Phil deserves a chance to move on. He does not need a heartbroken slut roommate who's in love with him.

He scrambles with his keys for just a second before Phil pulls open the door for him from the inside. He takes one look at the bags in Dan's hands then pulls him into a hug.

“You didn't have to buy for me too, Dan. I'll pay you back soon.”

Dan laughs. “How do you know I don't plan to eat all of this myself?”

Phil shoots him a skeptical look.

“Okay yeah, it's for you too. But you don't need to pay me, you can buy next month. Don't you dare forget how rich I am, anyway,” he says, hip-checking Phil on his way into the kitchen. He doesn't often bring up his money, it's an obvious fact that they don't have a reason to linger on. Talking about how Dan's got money brings up other topics, like his burned out acting career, which… is a forbidden topic. Phil's youtube and writing and radio show is a frequent point of conversation, but the one time Phil brought up acting, Dan completely shut down.

His heart hurts. He longs to be acting, longs to be sleeping in Ricardo's arms after a long days of shooting, Chrissy in New York for her own film, not a care in the world.

Dan just wants his life back, dammit. A life where he and Phil could have been friends without any of this other stuff between them. It's a bit heartbreaking to think of all the things that could have been had he not fucked up at that party, so he really tries not to dwell on it.

He's arranging the groceries, when Phil walks in. “So, does this mean…?”

“What?” Dan turns to stare at Phil, unintentionally leaning closer to him.

“I mean, if I'm buying groceries next week, does that mean you want me to….”

The pieces click in Dan's mind. “Stay? Do I want you to stay?”

“Well… yeah.” Now that it's out in the open, Phil looks sheepish. Is he… is he embarrassed? After all the clingy, stupid things he's done with Phil, Phil is embarrassed by this?

“Face it, you're never going to move into your own place at this rate, and we're the perfect roommates,” _and friends, and-_ he wants to add, but it opens the gates for other things, confessions they have yet to make, and conversations they're not ready for. This is not the time.

“Yeah,” says Phil softly after a second, like an afterthought that's he's only just remembering to say because he'd been caught in the same thoughts as Dan. He looks intently focused on something, and he's looking at Dan, but also just past him. Then he reaches across Dan. Dan's breath catches in his throat as Phil's face moves closer, as he begins to relish is the heat and weight of Phil pushing him against the counter.

Phil's hands reach open and yank the doors that Dan has just closed, barely a minute before. He grabs out a massive box of Dan's cereal, then with a failed attempt at a cheeky wink and grin, he scampers off to the guest room where he’s been staying.

Dan's cheeks are still flushed, and he might watch Phil's hips too closely as he walks away, but he's truly content. Content in his life at this very moment. Things seem like they're finally looking up for him. His friendship is intact, and though the rest of his life is in shambles, he's stopped crying so loudly that Phil can hear. That's a win for him, he thinks. He can't wait until Ricardo comes back now. It's still sad that he's gone, of course, but there's more hope for the future.

\--

On the first of December, Phil comes home huffier than usual.

“Dan. Dan, I need to stab somebody,” he barges into Dan's room, where luckily Dan is sitting on his laptop and not dancing around naked or something.

“What happened?” He asks. SquidInk, the company Phil sent the manuscript that accidentally went to Dan, is a new place. His old company had illegally tried to produce movies of Phil's books, so he sued, which went well for him. But he was their best-selling author, so now they're retaliating. Again. Phil has briefly mentioned some legal drama with his writing, and the meeting Phil's just come back from was supposed to be the concluding one.

“Oh my god…. So with my old company… they want me to prove that I did not have my books ghostwritten. I obviously did not, that was been written in our old contract and everything, but that last case made that old contract no longer valid so…. I'm just glad SquidInk is willing to put up with this.” Phil's face has gone back to pale as he calms down, but his voice sounds so mad that Dan is quivering in his seat.

“Oh no, come here,” Dan says, opening his arms. He needs a minute to process Phil's words, and they'll discuss them later, but right now he clearly needs some comfort.

Phil looks hesitant for a second to crawl into Dan's bed, he hasn't been on it in his two months, hasn't been on it since…. But then he jumps on, shaking Dan and making them both giggle, then crushes Dan in his embrace. It's not soft- it's a mess, but Dan is so happy to be in Phil's arms. It makes him warm to know that Phil came to him for emotional support, and that Phil wanted to hug him like this. It's not that they don't hug constantly, they're touchy best friends, but this is a bit different. This is Phil relaxing in Dan's arms, in Dan's bed, both of them drifting to sleep slowly.

They wake from their small nap nearly in sync, as Dan's slight stirring as he comes to is enough to wake Phil as well. Dan grins at his friend, and gets up, stretching.

“I'm gonna make some of my famous stir-fry for dinner, okay?” He asks, knowing that he'll always get the same response.

“We have that nearly every day Dan,” Phil says, rolling his eyes.

“Exactly, it's literally the highest honor,” Dan snarks, then leaps straight out of bed. His foot catches on the duvet, but Phil's weight on it keeps him from falling on his face and he leaves the bedroom with most of his dignity intact.

What he doesn't see is Phil watching him with a fond smile as he walks away.

It's not much, he knows, but he wants to improve Phil's mood as best as he can. He has another lawsuit this Monday, the day after next, and it's his responsibility as best friend to keep Phil's morale high while he can't do it himself.

Dinner is peaceful and so is sleep, though he'd be lying if he said he didn't miss sleeping in Phil's arms.

Phil doesn't have anything today, and to keep him from stressing about tomorrow (he's got his statement memorized, he can say it upside-down and backwards, and Dan's worried), they're going to Dan's old publicist's office. They've dubbed it career week, because Phil has his lawsuit and Dan has his interview.

Oh, his interview. It's not a huge magazine, not a famous writer, but she's willing to let Dan oversee the final copy (unlike his usual tabloids) and he figures it might help boost business. He's a big deal, after all.

It's been five months since the dam broke on his relationship, but the wound is fresh, and publicity is peak. That's largely due to Ricardo milking it for all it's worth, and the tabloids aren't going to complain about the money and ratings raining down on them. Also, there's the divorce, and the complete dissection of Dan's teenager-hood. This whole package is the media's wet dream.

So he needs some of his side told. He needs to retell Ricardo's book, but in his own words, and in a five thousand word article. It may seem like an impossible task, but he's good with words. The only words Ricardo ever pulled off perfectly were the pick-up lines and dirty talk he used to get into Dan's pants (and heart) for six years. He’s certain he can pull this off, with the help of the reporter.

Her name is Laura, and she’s a kind person in that rushed business person kind of way. She’s brisk, to the point, but never blunt in the way of being rude. That kind of reminds Dan of Phil, actually. Though, these days, everything reminds him of Phil.

They reach Dan’s old office, having picked up Laura on their way. The publicist is an old guy, Bruce, but he’s been a good guy to Dan if you forget about all the questionable things he’s had Dan do for fame. Him and Dan’s agent combined… a force to be reckoned with, truly. He’d had the best in the industry.

They kick Phil out, because as much as Dan loves the guy, and although he'll read the interview later, he can't stand the idea of him being in here with him.

Laura and the publicist take their seats across Dan and begin to interrogate him like he’s never been interrogated before. It takes all he has to answer well and not cry.

Two hours later, they're done. Dan is shaking with the memories. Ricardo's book went into all the memories too, but it's different saying it out loud. The article launches this Monday, tomorrow, right after Phil’s court case. It's a short time from now but it's a deal that's been made, and timing is key in the entertainment industry. It took Dan long enough to get his shit together and do this, he isn't going to wait a day longer than he has to.

And Phil has his lawsuit on Saturday. God, what a mess.

 

\--

The lawsuit is frankly terrifying. Dan has, in all his years, never taken anyone to court. Ironically enough after recent events, he wasn’t really a scandalous celebrity. But even Phil looks intimidated, and he was here about the same problem mere months ago.

They sit around the back for hours. Phil and his lawyer go over their case while Dan eats the entire platter of complimentary cookies all alone. To be completely honest, he doesn't really have any reason to be there besides moral support. Even PJ would be a better witness than him, having actually been friends with Phil back when all the stuff went down with the publishing company in the first place, but, well… PJ is still in a coma, and the doctors say that with every passing day his chances of recovering get worse. Dan sometimes tears up thinking about it, he can only imagine how Phil must feel.

But he’s confident that things are going to be okay. Phil has his speech completely perfect, and there’s no way that things can get screwed up now. Dan himself is a mess, crumbs spilling down his all black ensemble, and his mind a wreck. Although, he has a hundred percent faith that Phil is going to ace his case, and that’s what matters.

Well, they don’t quite get off to the best start. Phil stutters and the publishing company’s representative brings up some impressive sounding bullshit, but after two hours Dan’s 99% sure they’re won this thing. Obviously, they’re the ones in the right here and the case’s topic is so absurd that the scales were tilted in their favor in the first place, but it still feels nice to taste that victory.

Finishing up is again a lot of big words that run over Dan’s head. As a boy he’d often wondered what it was like to be a lawyer, almost pursued the career, but then his acting took off and he never looked back. Now Dan looks at the prim men in suits and wonders if he too could have become one of them. He doubts he ever would have had the motivation to go through with law school, but he’s done a lot of crazy shit as an actor too.

He can never really tell what he’s capable of until after he’s done it. That’s not always a good thing, but Dan’s glad he never decided to become a lawyer. His life may be a mess, but he’s got Phil. His life as a lawyer would be so boring, do they _ever_ find even their own jobs exciting? The attorneys here looked half asleep all throughout the case.

Either way, all that Dan can make out from the legal jargon is that they won.

They’re done by six in the afternoon. Six in December in London is cold, but Dan and Phil decide the best possible way to celebrate this great victory is ice cream. Phil made a strong case for seasonal drink at Starbucks, but Dan pulls the “new ice cream place just down the road” trick and Phil’s a sucker for trying new things. Especially if those new things are ice cream, even in December.

The shop is cozy, and very empty due to the time and weather, but Dan and Phil take a table near the very back anyway. There are no crowds to escape but it’s private, and it’s warm. Dan orders cookies and cream, as usual, the same way Phil always gets banana. They’re trying a new ice cream place after all, not new ice cream _flavors_.

Phil’s exclaiming about how this banana ice cream is the best banana ice cream he’s ever tasted, and of course Dan is listening, but he’s paying more attention to Phil’s mouth as it talks, Phil’s hands as they wave around in excitement…. Dan has it bad for this man, he knows. It’s a shame he can never do his feelings justice, because he’s still too torn up and broken hearted about his boyfriend. It’s sad, really, how badly he wants to lean over and kiss Phil, or how he wants to hold Phil close forever and tell him he loves him.

It’s sad how much he _can’t_ do those things, because every time he even dreams of doing those things, Phil is replaced by Ricardo, and Dan is so much happier. How much can he really blame himself for being in love with someone else?

Although Ricardo’s been hijacking all his happy moments lately, Dan is still completely trained on Phil. He’s so happy right now. Dan doesn’t want to forget the way Phil lights up while eating ice cream and talking about his favorite topics. It’s one of the most precious sights he’s seen in his life.  
\--  
On their walk home, Dan snags a magazine. His hood is pulled tight, which is good, because there’s no way the man at the magazine cart wouldn’t have recognized Dan otherwise. After all, his face is splashed in full color across the front of the magazine he’s just picked up.

Once they gets inside and warm up for a second, removing shoes and jackets and all other articles of clothing not required inside, he and Phil plop onto Dan’s wonderfully soft couch together and fall into each other’s laps, eagerly reading what the article about him says.

Of course it’s nothing bad, but Dan lets out the biggest sigh of relief he’s ever held anyway. He may have said all those things, but it’s different to read them in text, with comments and in format and so well written. Phil gives him a hug, and they end up huddled on the couch together, basking in joy. It’s been such a good day.

Obviously something has to ruin it.

The first phone call comes at eight, from a friend who Dan had been close to. Her celebrity status was hinged on whether or not she supported Dan in his affair though, so she she cut him out slowly.

He's still in his tangle with Phil on the couch, and he barely had to reach to grab his phone. He curls back into Phil's chest for some symbolic protection, and Phil turns down the volume of the show they've begun watching as he fixes Dan with a curious look.

Her number is saved as a contact, of course. “Hey, Grace,” Dan says as smoothly as he can. It's a little bit of habit with her, but mostly he's in shock that she's calling. Phil's arm pulls him even closer. He's not in danger of falling off the sofa, it's humongous, but Phil can sense his discomfort.

“Hey, Dan!” Her voice is as chipper as always, but with her it's not fake or anything. She's just like that, a bit like Phil.

“Why’re you calling?” He doesn't know if it's rude or whatever, he just wants to be done and get back to Phil and his show.

“Oh! I saw your interview and I just wanted to apologize to you for the way I kind of snubbed after the stuff with Ricardo came out,” she sounds sincerely sorry in her own permanently bubbly way.

“Aw, thanks,” he says. He can't say he's really missed her that much, but she is a good friend and she was incredibly mean. “Can't say you're quite forgiven yet.”

“Didn't expect to be. But you've always been one of my best friends, that was really stupid of me to do, especially when you were so alone…. I was just wondering if you'd like to catch up?”

“Mmm-” he starts to think about it but Phil cuts in.

“Dan, whatever this is can't be as important as the show?” Phil asks. He's noticed Dan tensing again him and pulled him even closer. As friendly and open as Dan sounds, he's in emotional turmoil over what to think of this.

“Who's that?” Asks Grace.

“M'friend,” he says and he can practically hear her mind wondering what kind of friend gets so close to the phone that she can hear him that well, or what kind of friend is watching shows with Dan at eight in the evening on a Monday, but she doesn't ask that.

“Okay, bye then!”

“Yeah, I'll talk to you some other time,” he says, lacking any enthusiasm. She barely notices. Grace says bye again and then he hangs up.

Phil sticks his head farther into the crook of Dan's neck. “Who was that?” Is his question, of course.

“Just an old friend,” he says. Dan shoves Phil's head back with his hand until it's under his neck comfortably, than leans good head up as best he can.

Phil hums in understanding, the vibrations running through Dan. “You didn't sound that happy to talk to her?”

“Er… I haven't really spoken to her since June when, y'know. Kinda stopped talking after Ricardo…. She read the interview and wanted to say sorry.”

Phil sighs, it seems like all of Dan’s “friends” left him after his and Ricardo’s affair was outed. “You used to make such absolute shit friends, Dan. Every time I hear about a new onem my mind is like _oh that's why Dan’s such a dick_.” Phil says it jokingly, but Dan knows it holds a lot of deep truth. Dan has fucked up their friendship a lot, by bluffing or lying or whatever avoidance tactics he learned through his old friends, and although they seem fine now, certain topics are a little touchy still.

“Yeah, I know I did. That's why I ran away,” he says back. They both know that that's not the reason he ran from his old life, but they have a show to get back to. It isn't going to watch itself, after all.  
\--  
Over the course of the night and the next week, Dan gets so many calls about his interview that he loses track. It's the first official statement he's made, it's a big deal to everyone but to him it's kind of sad. All these people he used to kind of consider friends who are only flocking back to him because of drama.

It's really sad to see the kind of friends he'd made, all those years ago trying to shove his way into stardom. It's had worked for him, of course. He fast-tracked his way up in under a year as an A-list celebrity and renown actor. It was only getting better.

And he's known about how shady some of his friends were, he'd stuck with them for the names and the drugs, and sometimes the companionship. Sometimes you're a gay boy in a big world and you need a friend to be your date to an event to avert suspicion. It happens. He kept Grace and the crew around for those reasons only.

Now he's facing the repercussions of making such bad friends. They're reminded of his existence yet again, so he'll never be left alone.

Phil's the solution. He clings to Phil all week long, avoiding calls left and right and falling enthusiasm in catching up. Phil holds him through it and kisses his cheeks and forehead and tells him it'll be alright, but it hardly helps.

He spends a lot of time contemplating how to time his great escape. When to slowly make a return in his career whilst avoiding the most amount of bad drama. All publicity might be good publicity, but not for Dan's fragile heart.

It’s another day where Dan is just… plain sad. About nothing, really. He’d been getting better since before his interview with Laura got launched, but the stress has been getting to Dan a lot lately. As much as that interview helped get a weight off his chest, it's putting him under a lot of other pressure.

He knows Phil is worried. Phil worries a lot about Dan unnecessarily. One time Dan had asked him why, and he said something about Dan being young and naive and not having had a chance to “explore his adulthood”. Dan had laughed and said that Phil was only four year older than him, not a wise old man, but Phil stands by his points.

Dan had been exposed to hatred and judgement in a cried industry since an age too young for all t that. How old had he been, fourteen, fifteen? Too young to have his life taken over by an old man like Ricardo in a weird like Dan's. Phil shudders with the thought of some of the things he imagines Dan's been through.

Phil himself has had a great life, bullying aside. At least it was school kids, not the the general public. But lately his mind’ He's been simultaneously high on his legal victory and low on Dan's personal sorrows recently, and he shelters Dan as best as he can.

It's three days into this horrid week of phone calls day where Phil comes home to find Dan crying on the couch. He knows what it's about. Ricardo, again. At this point, Phil doesn't even care how famous the man is, or how much Dan may have loved him. If he ever sees his face, he's punching it.

After a month of living together, Phil had been worried about how much Dan was hung up over this guy. It's been almost exactly six months since his and Ricardo's “break up,” and Dan is still very clearly not over it.

Phil looked it up though, and apparently it's not really surprising. Apparently it can take around a year, really, to get over a relationship that lasted as long as Dan and Ricardo's had. And theirs had ended in a less-than-pleasant way, not leaving Dan up to the task of getting over it. Phil can see it in Dan's eyes sometimes. He doesn't want to move on. Not at all. Dan had been very young when the whole affair started and Phil can't blame him too much for getting as attached as he had. He only wishes that Dan was more open to admitting Ricardo's flaws, rather than worshipping him like a god and then mourning like his sunlight had gone away.

More and more, Phil is beginning to realize that he wants to be that sunlight in Dan's life. He wants to brighten up Dan's life as much as he had brightened up Phil's after PJ's crash. And, maybe, Phil wants Dan to be more to him. Be more to him than anyone has really been to Phil before, more than PJ. More than his best friend. He wants-

No. Phil wouldn't feel right taking advantage of Dan like that. Not while Dan is vulnerable and sad because his boyfriend of six years left him. God. What is wrong with Phil? How could he even entertain the notion a little bit after what Dan is clearly going through?

So he's going to calm down and take it slow and hopefully Dan won't get suspicious as to why Phil is kind of maybe avoiding him a little bit. That's fair. Phil doesn't want to be the guy who starts dating someone who's still so hung up over their ex. That's not fair to either of them, honestly. Phil loves Dan a lot more than just in that way, and he'll be the best supportive shoulder Dan's ever had to cry on.

\--

Dan's balancing phone calls left and right, pretending he has his life put together, all whilst clinging to Phil constantly. Phil probably doesn't mind, but Dan feels like a nuisance.

A week before Christmas, Phil is buzzing with energy and festive spirit and trying to get Dan into it. Dan's still in the process of trying to piece his social life together, he's not having it. But it’s fun for him because Phil drags him out and they act cheesy and buy too many decorations. They drink hot chocolate until they can't drink anymore because you can't have drinks on the ice rink.

He's sad to discard his last few sips of hot chocolate, but not really sad because ice skating. With Phil. He's been enjoying this mainly because of Phil, and now they're going to skate together and then go home and watch festive movies together. Dan's so excited.

Neither of them are exceptionally good at skating. Dan has learned some for a short film years ago, and Phil took lessons until he was fourteen, so they're not _terrible_ , but they don't really know what they're doing either.

It's fun, and Dan gets to cling to Phil, so he doesn't mind being bad as much.

The night ends in their movie marathon, which is as wonderful as anticipated, and Dan goes to sleep with his mouth tasting of candy cane.

It's morning when things go to shit. He wakes up to a text alert, already mentally berating Phil for daring to wake him up, but it's not Phil.

 **Spilt Sunlight girl (doreen):**  
_Dan?  
Lucinda says that she heard you're having a get together?  
Apparently Charlie told her  
So only a few of us can make it, but I need your address._

Even though Dan barely knows her, he can't really think in his half-asleep state. He can't remember planning a get together, but he can’t think of any reason to not send his address, so he does.

 **Dan:**  
_52 Yeoman’s Row, London_

 **Spilt Sunlight girl (doreen):**  
_k thanks  
We'll be there on Friday_

The twenty-first of December. Alright. He's groggy and confused, has no idea who's coming or how many people, but he makes a mental note to clean up on Friday. And he feels Phil might not approve of the people he'll have over, so maybe he'll fake sick that day.

He falls back asleep as soon as he's done arranging his mental plans to lie to Phil, too tired to feel guilty. All he knows is that he's going to regret this later, probably, but it's for the best. If he can get his friends back and some semblance of his life together, maybe he won’t have to rely on Phil for everything. Emotional support. Friends are… good.  
\--  
Thursday night, Dan fakes a stomach ache and makes himself vomit in order to really sell the act. Phil offers to stay home the next day and care for him, but Dan tells him to work. They're cuddled up together on the couch watching a sad horror flick, leaving Dan's mind to wander.

Most of him is basking in the feeling of Phil's arms holding him against Phil's chest. He's warm and comfortable, tucked into Phil's arms. It's his best friend, after all. These arms hold Dan and all of Dan's feelings and thoughts. If Phil ever let go, Dan's not sure he could recover

But some other part of Dan is telling himself that this night may be the best outcome of faking sick. It's not like he's ever been a party person anyway.  
\--  
Friday dawns bright and early for December, which is to say, it's overcast and raining. Hard. Dan has zero motivation to clean up the house, but he gets in it as soon as Phil leaves.

Eight people show up by noon, and half an hour past twelve, a ninth. The ninth is Ricardo Sator because for some good forsaken reason he thinks it's a good idea to show up. Dan's vibrating with excitement a little. Vibrating more from the weed and the alcohol. Both are present in copious amounts.

That's one reason these people make such good friends. They have access to the good stuff, be it drugs or alcohol or gossip. And God, once you get that rush, there's no going back.

He's high as a fucking kite but still craving more. Laughter spills out of him easily as melted butter, adding to the cacophony of ridiculous chatter, not that anyone notices. Everyone's caught up in their own little conversations. He is too, curled up in Ricardo's muscular arms, on his lap, giggling like a little girl.

Everyone's happy and getting along. He wonders how anything could have messed this up in the first place. He's not _happy_ , per se, but he's free.

Which is why it's such a fantastic party despite there being ten people present in total. No one knows what the fuck is going on but it's something.

Everyone leaves at four, giving Dan enough time to try and tidy the house. He's left tossing cushions randomly onto his sofa, thankfully still stainless, hoping that something lines up. The printed patterns are a bit fuzzy at the moment, there's no way he can do it correctly.

Someone- Ricardo- catches Dan's eye as he walks to the wrong door. As soon as Dan's done fixing the pillows, a chore that suddenly can't be done fast enough, he goes inside. Only to find Ricardo reading a book on his bed, sprawled across the massive bed like it's his own.

It's something out of either a cheesy romance novel or bad porno, Dan can't tell. Maybe both.

Next thing he knows he's next to Ricardo and they're hazing up the room with sickly sweet smoke. Ricardo hasn't drank at all, unlike Dan, but he's completely willing to get high.

They get to talking about Ricardo's recent divorce and how much he loves Dan, and Dan talks about how heartbroken he's been.

Dan feels the tears running down his face and the emotions coursing through his veins, but Ricardo is kissing his cheeks clean. And telling him how much he loves him. And holding Dan close as he can.

A surge of pure delight rushes through Dan's rosy cheeks. They may die and pass to heaven any moment now and Dan doesn't think he'd feel any change. This moment right here is pure bliss.

Well of course he wakes up two hours later a little hungover but mostly still drunk and high. Ricardo is kissing him harder than he ever remembers. He's not entirely sure he wants to, he's honestly just tired, but he gives in to pleasure (it's _Ricardo._ He's _kissing_ him) and wraps his arms around Ricardo and kisses him back.

It's an hour after that, an hour after something, some wild new kind of sex he’s never had before, that he hears the lock turn in the living room. Phil's home. He hadn't counted on Ricardo coming to the party, definitely hadn't counted on being naked in his bed with him…. Not that any of it is Phil's business, but he feels guilty. Not guilty enough to break the lazy make-out session he's having with Ricardo right now. Post-sex affection is rare with him and Dan's going to savour every bit of it he can.

“Oi Dan, what's that smell?” He hears from the lounge. He doesn't reply- his tongue is in Ricardo's mouth right now, he doesn't have time.

Footsteps patter up the hallway to his room. “Dan? Are you napping?” The door handle turns and Phil's eyes widen when he sees Ricardo in Dan's bed with Dan. “Oh.”

Phil looks like he wants to say something else. Something more scathing. He's never liked Ricardo. They finally break their kiss, the tension in the room overbearing for Dan after a few seconds.

“Dan, what the hell? You know I don't mind you smoking pot or whatever, but not in the house! We've been over this! It's not legal here. And you,” he says to Ricardo, voice as stern as it was when he yelled at Dan over breakfast months ago, “get out of my fucking house.”

Ricardo practically snarls at Phil in response. His eyes are smoldering. But he turns back to Dan with his familiar sultry expression. “We'll finish this later, 'kay babe? Since your asshole roommate is such a buzz kill?”

Dan pouts dramatically at Ricardo leaving and Ricardo captures his lips in another searing kiss. Gosh, why does he have to go? Dan tries to fist into Ricardo's bare shoulders and pull him in, but he pulls back away. The whine Dan lets out in protest is _ridiculous_ and sends shivers down Phil's spine, not that anyone needs to know.

Ricardo throws on his clothes with the practiced ease of a lover who always has to leave. “From what I hear, it's actually Dan's house, but whatever. Be jealous, who cares,” and with one last glare at Phil, he stalks out of the room. Dan can't hear the door slam from across the house, but he assumes that Ricardo definitely slammed it.

“Phil! Why on Earth would you make him leave?” He's slurring his words a lot, and it makes Phil's heart hurt.

“Why on Earth was he here in the first place? I thought you were ill, Dan. You lied to me just to see your fucking ‘boyfriend’?” Phil is immeasurably mad. All the hurt and betrayal that Ricardo has put into Dan's heart, only to easily worm his way into his bed again. “You know he doesn't even love you, right? He's married to someone else.”

Dan's responding anger is nearly as strong. “He does. He told me. And he's divorced her now. I'm an adult, Phil. Can't I make my own choices?”

“It's so easy to lie. You'd know. You lied to me today.”

“Yeah I did, because I'm an adult who can make his own choices! But you don't seem to let me!” He's raising his voice at Phil. He's never raised his voice at Phil before.

“It's not about me letting you! It's about you being an immature twat who doesn't seem to see how bad he's hurting himself! I'm just trying to help!” Two can play at the yelling game. Phil's had enough of Dan mooning over Ricardo, can't he see how bad Ricardo is for him?

“Well maybe I don't want your fucking help! Maybe I'm in love with Ricardo and not you and you're taking it out on me! I can't handle this conversation right now, alright!” Dan throws his hands in the air and slumps as hard as he can into his bed. “Just leave me alone.”

“You go to sleep. We're talking about this tomorrow like calm, rational human beings,” Phil commands. It's not a suggestion or an offer. They will talk about it, and Dan will sleep. Sometimes Dan hates how much he'll just follow along with Phil’s instructions, but what can he do? He loves Phil, and Phil makes rational decisions.

He's not going to say that now, mid-fight. “Fine, we will. Promise.” He channels all his seething frustration into a death glare at Phil, then goes to sleep.

Phil's own rising emotions are troubling. He goes to his room and whips out a pen and piece of paper, and tries to set out the fire in his mind. He's a writer, after all, and this is his element. He's not quite sure what he's written, but it's a lot of words, mostly addressed to Dan. Some of them are cruel, some of them are filled with love.

He falls asleep after three hours of writing to Dan, a weight lifted off his chest.

The weight is back in the morning. Both Phil and Dan wake up knowing what's going to happen later today. Dan's mind is muddled in the morning, but he graciously accepts a slice of toast and tea from Phil, who's apparently going to act perfectly normal and friendly until their talk.

The sun is starting to set by the time Phil sits them down together with tea. Not that anyone could see the run, it's pouring cats and dogs, but it's getting darker. It sets a tone for Phil's talk, which combined with the tea and sitting across from each other, seems like it's going to be serious.

Phil takes a deep breath and collects himself, while Dan is on the verge of panic anticipating what Phil might say to him.

“Just… tell me why. The weed, the boyfri- boyfriend. Everything.”

Dan hastens to explain how he'd gotten roped into having a small party. The look in Phil's eyes tells him he's not forgiven for breaking his trust, but he sort of understands the motivation.

“I just don't understand why you lied to me. If you told me I could have helped you sort them out.”

“Well,” he hesitates,“I know you don't approve of them… I wanted to catch up, can you blame me for wanting to see my friends?”

“Yes I can, when they've all proven that they're not good people. They haven't stuck with you, do they deserve your atten-” Phil’s rage from last night is making a comeback. Is it too much to want Dan safe and happy?

“Yes! They do! I haven't been the best to you either-”

“Yeah, but you stuck with me and apologized! Did they apologize for leaving you when you were going through all that?”

“All what!?” The daring tone in his voice is shocking. He's practically begging Phil to tell him what's wrong with him, so he can fight back, but Phil doesn't indulge him.

Phil wants to burst out the next thing in his mind, but he can't start another fight when they haven't fixed this one. “When Ricardo left you, and you were a mess. Why weren't your ‘friends’ with you then?” He asks, air quotes flying.

“It was hardly their business!”

“As your ‘friends,’ it's their business to comfort you when you needed it!”

“Well, I guess that means you're not my friend!” Dan tells, and then everything freezes. That both take a second to process what he's just said. “I didn't mean that,” he says quietly.

Phil tries to blink away the tears in his eyes. He's never been a crIer, but what a low blow. He doubts Dan would judge him for crying though, seeing as he’s been crying since Phil sat them down.

“Yeah, okay,” says Phil, regaining his composure. “You've explained the people. Now explain Ricardo.”

“For one, he's a people too. And am I not allowed to sleep with my boyfriend?”

“He's _married_.”

“Not as of recently. We love each other, c’mon. You're not my dad, you can't stop me from doing things in my own house.”

“I can when you're being an idiot. Don't get yourself into this mess with Ricardo again when you are just getting out.”

“It's not a mess! What-”

“What did he say to make you sleep with him? Why would you do that, knowing how much it would hurt you and… hurt me?” It's risky for Phil to bring himself up, because he knows he's jealous of Ricardo and Dan, and Dan kinds of has a crush on him, but he's not really relevant.

“Phil, I didn't want to sleep with him, I just….”

Phil's just going to give up. Let Dan sleep with all his sleazy exes, who fucking cares. “It's okay. You were-”

“No! You don't understand! He does this thing where he looks at you like- like- and then I couldn't just say no.”

This raises Phil's eyebrow. “You mean he forced you?”

“Never once in my life has he ever forced me to have sex with him, even if technically, legally he has-”

“ _What?!_ ” Phil looks positively murderous now, but not at Dan. “He what? And you never told me, even when you ranted about what an arsehole he is last month, or was… did it not come up?”

“Nothing like that! I swear! It's just I was underage when the whole thing started and you know, he was like, twice my age which is actually kinda creepy when you think about it, but-”

“It's very creepy when you think about it-”

“But he was considerate in that way, at least.”

Phil sighs. “Dan, I don't know why you keep defending this guy.”

“I love him.”

“You did. For six whole years. And when you got out of the relationship, it was a huge part of your life. Listen, I know it's really complicated right now, but you've got to let it go at some point.”

“I never ‘got out’ of the relationship, was more like a break. I can fix this.”

“Dan. Even if you talk this through with him- civilly, and not through sex- and he gets in a relationship with you, what's to say he won't cheat on you too? I mean, his history isn't exactly clean, is it? Do you even know how many people he was with even while he was married to Chrissy? Aside from you, I mean. What about before you came along? What about while you were with him?”

“That won't happen.” He really doesn't want to tell Phil about Ricardo and his promises, but he has to defend his boyfriend's honor.

“What, him cheating? You can go run to him and become his trophy husband and be happy, but don't tell me you're naive enough to think that he won't-”

“I'm done with this conversation. It won't happen. Leave me alone, Phil.” There are tears falling from his eyes even harder now, and once he starts sobbing he's an open book. Phil could ask him anything, and he'd probably give an honest answer, he needs to go before Phil can take advantage of it. He stands up and behind to head out of the room.

“You promised we’d talk about this, Dan”

“Not anymore.”

“That's not how this works.”

“Phil, I said leave me alone. Maybe- maybe later.” He wants to add on an ‘actually, how about never’ to the end of the sentence, but instead he punctuates with a couple loud, heaving, sobs. He sticks around long enough to watch Phil's expression soften, before running to his room and slamming the door shut. Loudly. He hopes Phil gets his point.

Okay, maybe a little part of him, the part that's in love with Phil, wants Phil to run in and hug him (and kiss him and hold him) and tell him it's alright, that he'll get over Ricardo eventually and he can stop caring about him soon. He needs reassurances that it's normal to want to run back to a relationship the way he wants to, even if the relationship was this level of toxic. That he’s not some kind of emotional masochist because he wants Ricardo so bad.

He wants someone to understand that even if he doesn't still truly love Ricardo anymore, there's still a deep and painful gash in his heart that makes him need Ricardo _this much_.

It sure feels a lot like love, even now. He knows Ricardo has screwed up and that Dan has screwed up but he wants him back. If they started taking more, he's sure they could fall back in love, it's been six months, but they could.

It doesn't matter, in the end, how he'd explain his feelings about everything to Phil. He doesn't burst into the room, and Dan falls asleep on his tear soaked duvet, completely drained, even though it's only six.

\--

The next week is spent hanging around Ricardo, who frequently drops by to pick up Dan. They'll spend the day out, catch up, do whatever that want. Unlike when Dan goes out in public with Phil, he's not making an effort to hide his identity, so he and Ricardo have a lot of paparazzi. A lot.

Phil confronts Dan about a particular tabloid, where he's kissing Ricardo in the middle of an ice cream parlour.

“What the hell? You know even if you're being public, you have to be decent. Making out in public….” Phil knows he's reaching for reasons to dislike the idea of them as a couple, as if he didn't have enough reasons already, but Dan doesn't take the bait.

“I'll do what I want. I'm going out in fifteen minutes, by the way, so it'd be great if you could let me into the kitchen.”

Phil moves out of the doorway, but keeps talking. “You're always going out these days.” It's hardly in an accusing tone, more of an observation.

“I sure am!” Dan grabs an apple and bites into it, then turns to Phil. “What exactly is your problem here?”

“We should do something together too, is all. It's been weeks since we had a movie night,” Phil says, trying to play off like he's indifferent to the whole idea, Phil does a tiny shrug, but he's starving for Dan's attention these days.

Truth be told, Dan is too. Just because Ricardo's swung back into his life doesn't mean his tiny little crush on Phil is gone now. “Yeah it has been a while, I've been busy.” They used to have movie night every few days, an excuse to cuddle and eat popcorn.

“With Ricardo.”

“Yeah,” says Dan, again completely missing the accusation in Phil's voice.

Phil sighs. “I'm sure he'll be fine if you stayed for one night at home, it's been a week of you two constantly going out.”

“I don't think he'd mind, really, but he doesn't like you very much.” Dan mentions Phil a lot, but he's stopped when Ricardo pointed out that his every other word was about what he'd done with Phil. Ricardo doesn't like when he talks about other people.

“That doesn't mean you're not allowed to see me! I don't like him either, alright?” Phil hasn't been secretive about this hatred, but it still makes Dan's blood boil.

“Why does that even matter? I live with you, you’re my best friend, and I love you! You know that!”

“Exactly my point. I live with you, and I _never_ see you anymore.”

“Ugh. I'm going now, I think I see him.” Dan pushes Phil away from him, because sure enough, there are headlights outside. He stalks to the door, grabs his coat, and then closes the door behind him. Not a glance to Phil. Phil pretends he doesn’t care, even though he knows Dan isn’t looking. He doesn’t care that Dan’s been snubbing him lately, or that they haven’t even had a proper conversation in days. He’s cool, he’s nonchalant, he doesn’t care.

Dan doesn’t care either. He gets in Ricardo’s car and the older man begins to drive again. They don’t say a word. Dan’s _definitely_ not stewing in what Phil has said. Not thinking about it. He. Doesn’t. Care. He doesn’t care that much about Phil, honestly.

He can feel in his heart that he does. He knows that trying to convince himself otherwise isn’t gonna do them any good. But then, he and Ricardo are in a car, in an abandoned lot, so Dan leans over the center console between their seats and meets Ricardo halfway there, and forgets about Phil for a little while.

Dan doesn’t come home that night, or the next. He’s in Ricardo’s house, in Ricardo’s bed, in Ricardo’s arms. They go out, yes, but Dan can’t keep his hands off of Ricardo and Ricardo isn’t going to stop him. They don’t have time to go out, not when Dan has the hottest man he’s ever met right right at his fingertips. Any time he feels guilt for not telling Phil where he is, he just kisses Ricardo even harder. His phone died yesterday. No time for Phil, either.

On Sunday he goes back home. Ricardo is glued to his side, his mouth, and Dan doesn’t really want to go home, but he knows he should. If only to get some stuff together to stay with Ricardo for longer.

Ricardo’s hand around his own is iron. Dan used to be scared by that, how Ricardo holds his arm so tight and drags him around, but now he likes to think it’s because Ricardo doesn’t want him running off. Not again. They had talked one night about the whole affair being exposed thing. Of course Ricardo couldn’t have contacted Dan, not without rising up a bigger shitstorm.

Dan should have known Ricardo would come back. He had known, but he should have had more faith. Been more active. He’s such an idiot. Ricardo had soothed him when they talked about it, told him that yeah, Dan had screwed up, but it’ll all be fine.

Oh, it’s fine alright. Dan marches into his house on this fine Sunday morning, grabs a suitcase from the hall closet and starts packing. Ricardo’s standing in his doorway, shadow casting down on Dan’s back.

“You’re staying over for how long, then?”

“However long you’ll keep me, honestly,” Dan replies. He’s preoccupied trying to fold his one shirt with the rhinestones because he tore the right shoulder last month and now it’s impossible to fold and- Ricardo says something. Dan can’t quite catch it.

“What?”

“I’m not gonna repeat myself for you, honey. Maybe you should have listened, huh?”

“Yeah… but what did you say?”

“Nothing,” says Ricardo, sounding nonchalant about the whole thing. “I’m gonna go make a sandwich. You finish packing and join me?”

“Mhm.”

Ricardo leans over Dan, folds the shirt for him, and walks out. Dan sighs when the sound of footsteps fades down the hall, and he doesn’t even know why he’s relieved.

\--

Phil comes home from work two hours later, humming the theme song to an anime he and Dan had watched a while back. Dan wants to smile, but he sees Ricardo sniggering across from him, so he lifts up his cup of tea and hides his face.

Phil enters the room and drops silent.

“So are you finally home?” He asks, not even looking in Ricardo’s direction.

“Hopefully not for long. We’re just finishing up our tea and then we’re off!” He says is it so cooly, like he’s just informing a faceless roommate. It doesn’t even feel like he’s talking to his best friend. Maybe he’d been sort of overcome by Phil’s brightness and writing and everything. Ricardo doesn’t want Dan to talk to Phil, and Dan’s trying to pick out why exactly this is so. What about Phil is so off-putting?

Phil smirks a little, runs his hand through his hair and pushes it into a quiff. (It’s so hot to Dan even with Ricardo sitting next to him, and it feels wrong, but he can’t look away from Phil.)

“Off?”

“Back to Ricardo’s.”

“How long are you staying? Tomorrow’s new year, you know? Didn’t we have that party planned?” Oh yeah. They had a small party planned with a few of their mutual friends. Dan tries to think back to when everything was clearer, to before Ricardo came back. He’d wanted to kiss Phil on new year. He’d dreamt about it. Suppressed feelings, he knew, were at the root of all of it, but he just couldn’t devote his emotions to Phil because he’d still been in love with Ricardo. And now he has Ricardo. So, change in new year plans. A different set of friends and a different set of lips.

“Well we don’t have it planned anymore. I mean you can still call people over, but I’ll be out of the house.”

“Oh. Ok then.” Phil strides farther into the kitchen, Dan staring behind him. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he just looked at Phil. He used to do it all the time. Ricardo coughs, Dan turns to face him again. An apologetic smile crosses his lips for a second, he dips his head, but he doesn’t know why. Why is he sorry?

Phil just grabs his coffee mug off the counter. Dan wants to tease him about being a coffee addict but Ricardo always thinks he’s flirting with Phil so not right now. Right now actually, they should leave. Their cups are empty and Dan hastily cleans them out and puts them in the cupboard still dripping. Who cares, it’s just water.

Ricardo's fingers rub against Dan's back as he washes up, grabbing him as soon as he’s done. Ricardo grabs Dan’s heavy bag with his other arm and steers both of them straight out the front door. Dan grits his teeth, he doesn’t understand why he’s in such a rush to get out, but he accepts it.

They reach Ricardo’s house in a rush, and Dan can tell Ricardo is seething about something, but he’s scared to ask. But Ricardo flings his suitcase on the floor of the guest room, and Dan is very concerned.

“Your room?”

Ricardo debates his answer for a second, “not as much space. Plus here you can escape me when you need to.” He chuckles.

“As if I'd ever,” Dan laughs as well, walks up to Ricardo and just holds him for a minute. He tries to wrap his head around what his life is now. Then Ricardo shoves him away. It's unexpected, his feet thud unevenly on the floor as he stumbles, then regains his footing. Ricardo's strong, his body is nothing short of perfection, in Dan's opinion.

“Sorry, uh. Just wanted to ask about dinner?”

“Oh. I don't want to go out or anything, I was thinking I could make more stir-fry?”

“That's like, the only thing you ever make, Dan.”

Dan shrugs, “it's the only thing I can cook. Not like you're any better a cook.”

“Mm true,” Ricardo mumbles. “But I'm good at heating things up, eh?”

Dan groans. He smacks Ricardo's chest, thinking _this is the man I love, unbelievable. His jokes are nearly as bad as Phil's._ Ricardo slaps his chest back, then grabs Dan's hand to walk him out, watches him cook from the table.

Twenty minutes later, Dan joins him at the table with his steaming pan of vegetables. It smells lovely, and tonight feels like it could really shape up to be something nice. They make small talk about the party tomorrow, and Dan can’t stop thinking about how he's left Phil all alone to deal with their guests.

He mentions it to Ricardo in a passing way, “gosh, I still feel kinda bad that I left Phil on his own with the party and all that….”

Ricardo slams down his fork. “What the hell is your obsession with this _Phil_ guy?”

Dan deflates. “I've told you before, here's my best friend and I love him! I love him! Sorry for having friends!”

“Look, I don't care about you having friends. I just don't like _him_ and I've told you this before! I don't like you talking to him, or about him.”

Dan slams down his own fork. He doesn't want to get into this, but he has to defend his best friend. “What don't you like about him anyway? He's such a great person, he's my best friend, don't you respect my choices?”

“Babe,” Ricardo sighs, “you know I do. He's just all over you all the time. You're mine, you know?”

“He's my best friend, Ricardo. My best fucking friend.”

“Oh, don't blame me for being all possessive. You can't tell me he's never thought of having sex with you.”

“It's not always about sex!”

“You can't tell me you've never thought about having sex with him either! Dan!”

Dan bites his lip because he can't lie to Ricardo, but he can't very well tell him the truth either. “I-”

“ _Dan!_ ”

“I've had sex with him, Ricardo. I have. God damnit, I missed you so much and in my head it was all you but I had sex with Phil, okay? Is that what you wanted to know?”

“I definitely did not want to know that. When was it?”

“I kissed him on that night of the premiere… it was a couple months after that.”

“Oh god, you dated for months before you had sex?”

“No? We never dated… it's a long story.”

“I don't want to hear it. I'm disappointed in you, Dan. Didn't make you out to be a fucking slut.”

He hangs his head low. He knows he fucked up, he knows he should never have let himself have any sort of feelings for Phil.

“Yeah, yeah. Well. I don't know what to say now.”

“Just never do that again, and stop talking to him. I saw the way he looked at you, and I don't like it. Would it be too much for him to find his own place after all this time? Little leech….”

Dan is itching to say that he loves living with Phil. He's such good company, they talk together so easily. But it's Phil or Ricardo, and with the way Ricardo is looking at him right now, it's not much of a choice.

“... Yeah. Ok.”

“Alright then! Should I invite Chrissy to the party or not? It's a little late minute I know, but-”

“ _Chrissy?_ I don't want to see her, and I didn't think you would either.” How quickly had Ricardo dismissed the topic of Phil? And why on Earth would he invites his ex-wife to the party?

“Don't interrupt me. And, well. We really talked a bit, _talked_ a bit, if you catch my drift, and I think we're okay now.”

“Okay? Meaning?” His curiosity is piqued, but he can't say he isn't a little jealous either. He loves Chrissy as a person, feels terrible about taking Ricardo from her, but he hates that they're friends again. It's hypocritical, he knows, after everything he felt with Phil.

“We’re… friends again. Maybe something more. I do love her a lot, maybe I'm projecting?” Ricardo skins so lovestruck talking about her. Do his eyes sparkle the same way when he looks at Dan? Can he see how much this hurts Dan's heart, even though he knows he has no right to feel like this?

Ricardo is a grown man who can do what he wants, he's good on person. Right. “Mm, maybe. I wouldn't know. You didn't tell me you ever slept with her again?”

“Oh, I didn't think I had to. Don't tell me you never slept around after everything went down?”

Dan has to think. Did he? Not really. “Mostly I drank, honestly. Only had sex twice, and one of those times I'm not sure if I ever wanted to,” he says.

Ricardo rolls his eyes and gets up from the table. His plate is clear. “Of course you did, if not, you wouldn't have.”

As Ricardo puts his plate in the sink and rinses it off, Dan stuffs the last bite of his own dinner hastily into his mouth. He swears he hears a little “whore” coming from the kitchen.

\--

It's a rough night.

\--

Dan wakes up in the morning sore. Sore in places that he didn't even know he had, and alone in bed.

Groaning, he reaches for his phone to check the time, but it's not there. He sits up, confused. There in the corner of the goes bedroom is his phone, screen shattered.

(He could have sworn he went to bed with Ricardo last night, not in the forest room. He can feel bruises, a painful proof.)

He flops back onto the bed, takes a moment to gather his thoughts.

Ricardo put him here and broke his phone. It's the only possibility. And, Ricardo has every right to be mad at him after last night, but it still stings. He just hopes his phone still works and that he can walk today.

It takes effort but he waddles to his phone and turns it on. It's fine, thankfully, but he's going to need to get a new screen for sure.

On the lock screen, it says 1:43pm. Shit, he slept in.

He makes his slow way outside. His legs are burning and his ass is aching beyond words. Every step sends a sharp pain through his back, and the bruises- so many fucking bruises, all sting with every move. He blacked out at some point last night, he hopes whatever he did was worth it.

Ricardo is vacuuming, but when he sees Dan shuffle into the room, he stops and giggles. Walks over to Dan and pulls him into an all-consuming kiss. They're wrapped up in each other for just enough time to help Dan ignore the pain he's in, then Ricardo breaks away.

“Hey, babe. I was waiting for you to come shower.”

“Oh, I don't think I'm up to showering right now,” he replies.

“How come?”

“Hurts,” he croaks out. His voice is a little hoarse as well. Honestly, he feels a bit sick, though he knows he's probably not.

“Aww,” coos Ricardo. He picks Dan up bridal style, and carries him into the massive master bathroom. “Don't worry, you won't have to stand up.”

There's a bathtub, and they soak together. Dan's finding it difficult to talk to Ricardo, which Ricardo is fine with, “hey, we gotta keep that beautiful mouth busy in some way.”

So that happens. And Dan leaves the bath five minutes after his boyfriend, somehow feeling dirtier and achier than he did before he got in.

\--

It's New Year's Eve, and no matter how much pain Dan is in, time keeps ticking.

In moments their guests will be arriving. There's all sorts of champagne and wine on the table, Ricardo's home is spotless, and the catering place will be arriving in a bit. All in all, it's pretty low-scale for Ricardo. Dan's glad it won't be too loud.

People file in at nine. He sees Chrissy come in and shoot him a dirty look before they're both preoccupied with talking to other guests.

He talks, he laughs. He drinks. Talks some some, drinks some more. He's plastered by eleven, but that's true for most of the guests.

It's around eleven when he stumbles into the kitchen for a glass of water. The lights are off, he doesn't really expect anyone to be in here.

(Wrong, as usual.)

Chrissy is pressed up against the refrigerator, hands sliding all up and down her waist. He's scared to look up, because he knows it's Ricardo.

He looks up. It's Ricardo.

Dan coughs twice, really loudly, the draw their attention. He doesn't miss house Ricardo lingers on Chrissy's lips as long as he can, or how they remain holding onto each other.

Ricardo looks a bit panicky. “Babe? One second, I'll tell this kid to fuck off and be right back.” He smile reassuringly at Chrissy.

Does she know that they've been living together for the past few days? Does she know that they're together? Judging by the smile that she returns, probably not.

Ricardo leads Dan to the guest bedroom. “Dan. Sorry, but I love her. So much. You know?”

“What about me? Did you even think of me? Once? No, huh? Just got back with your ex.”

“I do think of you, Dan! I don't know… we're getting married again,” Ricardo almost sounds a little sorry when he says that. Almost.

“ _When_ were you planning to tell me this shit?”

“Tonight! Tonight, I swear!” Dan never thought he'd see the day that Ricardo nearly pleaded with him to believe him, yet here they are.

“So I guess that's all I’m ever going to be to you? A side hoe?” Sure, he's known this whole time that he was an extramarital affair (at first), but he’d thought they were something a little bit more now. Riling up Ricardo while he's begging is not the smartest ideas he's had, but all he feels is rage.

“I gue- yea- what? No! Dan, I love you! Come on, you know that!”

“Do I? You left me and it tore my life up! I thought maybe- _maybe_ \- it was a diversion, all the media shit. Maybe after all the divorce stuff blew up, we could be back together as a proper couple! Now you're getting married again, and not to me.”

“Dan, I can't lose Chrissy-”

“Don't give me that crap. She left you six months ago.”

“Yeah, well it was your goddamn fault. I told her I'll never do it again. We're getting married. If you could fucking accept the favor I'm trying to do you here, that would be fucking superb. At least someone loves you!” His face is turning red with anger now, no longer pleading.

Part of Dan is retreating meekly. It's a part that understands that the fight is lost, that honestly, he can _never_ win a fight against Ricardo. The other part, well. “Favor? You're not doing anyone any favors. Me, I'll always be in a closeted relationship with a married man. You told Christina you'd never cheat again, only to tell me that you're lying. Again. And yes! This is cheating on her!”

Finally, finally he realizes it's just this easy to end it. Now that his career has shown it can go through whatever Ricardo puts it through. Now that he knows he can deal without him. Now that, well, he realizes Phil was right. He also probably hates him, but has good reason to.

“Jesus Christ, you're so clingy! Isn't it enough that someone likes you? Do you have to be such an attention whore?” And there he goes, guns blazing, aiming to hurt Dan in the same way as always because he knows what it does to him. Dan almost doesn't want to retaliate. Maybe if he accepts it and moves on silently, Ricardo will still want him.

(He loves him, he really does, but it's only now striking him that maybe it's not mutual. Is he too much? Too clingy? Right now his insecurities cloud his mind, and he craves reassurance, but it's not the time. He wants to hurt Ricardo like he's never hurt him before.)

“Maybe you’re the attention whore. Why do you need two fuckbuddies anyway?” Dan doesn't want Ricardo. He tries to tell himself it's true, that he doesn't care, that it'll all be fine. It will be fine. Why would he need Ricardo anyway?

“Both you and Chrissy are more to me than fuckbuddies-”

“Then act like it!”

“- but honestly, after this, I’ve realized what an ungrateful brat you are!”

Ricardo slaps him across the cheek, but unlike every other time, he doesn’t shove Dan onto the bed after it. Instead he grabs Dan’s suitcase down from the closet kicks it down the hallway and leaves Dan chasing after it.

His cheeks flame up. His heart is racing at the thought of running out to all the party-goers. The regret hasn't set in yet, and frankly, he's not sure it ever will. That's a good thing, probably, but nothing feels good right now. He just fucked up the only meaningful relationship he had left, and he's in pain both inside and out.

The guests are staring at him when he runs out. They've all heard the rumours, read the articles, and they've definitely gossiped. Now a sobbing Dan Howell is running through the house with a suitcase.

When Dan leaves, he slams the door hard. He hopes he broke something.

He runs down the walkway and plops into the edge of the perfect lawn. He's aching so hard, but good heart is hurting more than any of his physical wounds.

Tears are streaming down his face and he's shaking in the frigid December air. At least he has all his things. He rifles through his pockets for his phone, and though he can barely see what he's doing through his tears, he rings Phil. It's 11:14, Phil's party has got to be full swing as well. He can only hope that Phil picks up.

It feels like an anxious and long wait, but it's seconds before Phil's voice is in his ear,. “Hello, Dan?”

“Phil- Phi- hey. Hi,” he mumbles out. Hearing the painfully obvious care in Phil's voice feels like another jab in the heart. He breaks into another round of sobs. Phil listens.

“Dan, you okay?”

“No, I need you to come pick me up please. I know you're mad at me bu-”

“I'm not mad at you, Dan. I'll be right over, just gotta find someone who's not drunk to drive me. Text me the address.”

And then Phil hangs up. Dan doesn't know what to think or feel about anything. He's just going to send Phil Ricardo's address, and wait.

\--

Shortly after he texts Phil, (his phone tells him the drive over took 15 minutes,) Phil's car pulls up. Dan moans softly trying to get up, but he wobbles into Phil's car and right next to him in the back seat. The driver wastes no time turning them back around to Dan's house.

He knows it's one of their mutual friends who they invited to their party that Dan ditched. He knows he should make some polite conversation, at least ask who it is, but he doesn't. He's strangely tired, he's just so emotionally drained that his body feels it too. He's sore and tired and he wants to go home and cuddle Phil while he naps. Or sleeps, rather, because it's quite late.

The drive is silent. Dan's leaning on Phil, Phil is completely wrapped around him and stroking his hair. He doesn't ask what happened.

By the time they reach back, it's 11:50. The driver leaps out of the car into the house, probably so he doesn't miss the countdown, but Dan and Phil stay wrapped up in the back seat.

It's warm. It's silent. Dan has so much he needs to tell Phil but he doesn't know where to start so he just dumps it all out at once, ending with, “you were right, you were right and I'm so sorry….”

Phil wipes Dan's face with his coat and pulls him closer. “Shh, shh. It's fine, Dan. I love you and it's fine.”

Dan doesn't know what to say. “I love you too, I love you so much. How did I not realize that?”

“I don't know. Do you want to go inside?”

Dan shakes his head frantically. “No. I want to stay out here with you.”

Phil nods. “Okay.”

“Hey?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you so so so much and I don't know what I'm going to do.”

“Well….” Phil starts, then trails off. He pulls away from Dan an inch, and stares him in the face. Dan's about to protest and pull him closer again, but then.

Phil leans in and kisses him. Again. This is the third time they've kissed, and every time means more and more to Dan. More feelings. Each time is better.

He's just starting to kiss back, when Phil pulls away. He checks the time. It's midnight.

“Happy New Year, Dan,” he says, and Dan can hear his grin.

“Happy New Year, Phil,” he returns, then leans up to kiss Phil again.

It's so sweet and so chaste, and Dan wants it to last forever. He thinks, _well, we_ could _make it last forever_. His heart swells.

They kiss and laugh and talk in the back seat for quite a while. Dan knows he has a lot of healing to do, a lot of shit to get over, but every time he says something silly and Phil kisses him, he knows he can do it.

They tumble out of the car hand in hand, leaning in for a kiss every other second, and Dan's crying again but from happiness this time.

He has his life. He has his home. He has Phil. He's going through everything just fine.

\-- FIN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i'll say it again. If anyone out there took 20 minutes to read this, I hope you can take another minute to leave a comment. It really makes my day. You should see me raving to my friend when i get a really nice comment. :) I hope you enjoyed it! also yea if u wanna come yell at me on tumblr that is @dn-phl
> 
> \---second chapter is totally optional future fluff btw


	2. The Extra Fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m an idiot who has bad time management skills, so I didn’t really get to write this part like I wanted to, but anway. I have some loose ideas of what happens after the ending of the fic. I’ve written these down real quick for a second chapter kinda thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u enjoyed the fic and are reading this i hope ur not disappointed!! for anything i didn't mention here, obviously you can assume what might've happened. I probably missed a lot of loose ends, didn't i?

 

\--

 

Snippets of the full story end up released in the press. It makes it difficult for him to find good offers, and generally gives him an even more negative image. On top of that, the search for a new agent is tough. No one wants to work with him and his reputation.

 

Eventually, Dan quits acting because it’s just not making him happy. People may have forgotten his affair, but the long break he took when meeting Phil hurt his career and it’s overwhelming him without his previous connections. When he tries to take things slow, he’s called selfish. So he quits.

 

It’s a huge choice, but he knows it’s the right one. Dan loves being in the public eye but the media pressure on him is too much and he hates it. Quitting also gives him time to pursue other things, other options for his career. Sure, he’s financially set for life and technically doesn’t need to hold a job, but he likes to keep busy.

 

\--

 

It’s barely into January when PJ wakes up from his coma. He’s released from the hospital on the 28th, and Phil cries about how it’s the best early birthday present he ever could have received.

 

It’s also around January when Dan and Phil finally take time to figure some shit out. He talks about Ricardo, and all his feelings are out on the table for Phil to see. He’s moved on, at last. He’s worried Phil might not accept him anymore after everything he did, but Phil kisses him and everything is okay.

 

So, they’re finally boyfriends. PJ whoops like crazy when he finds out.

 

\--

 

On Dan’s own terms (okay, maybe a  _ little _  convincing from Phil), he creates a youtube channel to talk about issues in the media that he’s dealt with. He also does a lot of fun things, mainly doing sketches, but games and movie reviews work their way into his channel as well. It’s seemingly an odd combo, but it works.

 

At first a lot of people flock to his channel because he’s Dan Howell, victim of critical media for the last year, but he builds up a loving and supportive fanbase after a while. He’s a nice guy, really, and being Phil’s friend doesn’t hurt. Their on each other’s channels so much, they make a joint one and it works out really well. They’ve never been happier.

 

\--

 

They attend Sophie and PJ’s wedding in May. It’s absolutely lovely and everyone is so, so happy. Everything is alright.

 

It also gets Dan thinking about his future with Phil, but he tries not to dwell on it too much or get his hopes up. They haven’t even know each other for a year yet, and have barely been together for five months. It’s still a comforting thought that he  _ will _  have a future with Phil, because Phil has proved that he’s worth holding on to. Dan loves him  _ so _  goddamn much.

 

\--

 

Sometimes Dan opens a tabloid just to see what his old “friends” or Ricardo are up to, but it’s very rare. He’s distanced himself from that now, a choice for the better.

 

\--

 

They become  _ that _ couple (disgustingly cute), and never hear the end of the teasing. Maybe they’d be a little embarrassed or self-conscious, if they weren’t so in love. They’ve been together for exactly five years in 2018, and Dan’s reached the point where nearly everything he thinks about Phil is some sappy nonsense. Who can blame him? Who doesn’t love Phil?

 

Getting married in October of 2018 is well, a thing. Dan and Phil are so happy they feel like exploding a little bit, their cheeks ache from smiling. They’re  _ husbands _  now, fuck it.

 

For their honeymoon they travel to the Bahamas and enjoy a nice couple of days, but they later agree that the best part of the week is when they come back home to adopt their dog. They’ve wanted one for a while, but somehow this feels like the best time.

 

Life goes on, and life works out. Their little family is thriving, Phil, Dan, and dog. It’s more than Dan ever really dreamt he’d have, and yet here he is. It’s perfect.


End file.
